Duškomira @ Salme

Girl, you’re going to have to say things without undermining yourself if you want me to answer the question or understand what you’re saying. There’s a THERE there, over and over again, and I want to hear it. I don’t know who you’re flinching from - Jorule, maybe, whoever that is, I’ve read the Library but I’m not exactly sure how he fits in - but you’re flinching, and it’s getting in the way of saying what you want to say the way you want to say it. Treat your own thoughts better than that.

I apologize if I was unclear. I just don’t want to say things authoritatively when I’m … not really sure if I’m right or wrong, when I just want some help figuring out if an idea has merit. I’ve just found that I’m bad at being convincing, and I’m … still trying to figure out how to get people to take me seriously? But if that’s causing issues with clarity I can work on that as well.

It isn’t Jorule, honestly, and I kind of fucked up that whole thing explanation. Or rather … I sometimes hear him calling me stupid when those aren’t the words he used. Anyway he’s kind of … if you hear Aurelius talk in a strange accent, that’s often Jorule speaking through him. They’re connected in a … very weird esoteric way. Jorule doesn’t have a physical body, but he can manifest in the library. He’s … my friend and I care about him very much. The others have … spent less time talking to him.

But no, it’s not Jorule I’m flinching from. It’s myself.

Hm. I can work with that. It’s always fine to just outright ask, hey, I’m not sure what the fuck is going on with this particular thing, so let’s talk about it, though. I don’t think you’re very bad at being convincing, I just think you need to stand up straight and believe in yourself, more than you are.

I’m glad to hear that about Jorule, though. But then it’s important not to put words into anyone else’s mouth, especially if it’s a person you care about. If someone isn’t calling you a fool, don’t hear those words coming from them, even if you’ve got a whisper in the back of your brain trying to make you hear that.

Thank you. That’s the nature of my work, I think. With Jorule and with … other people who are dear to me.

And thank you for reaching out. I appreciate it.

Any time. And I’m looking forward to getting to spend some time in Queenstown properly rather than being a mysterious old coot who sets up shop in the Bazaar under an elaborate triple-puff-pastry of assumed identities, for old times’ sake, so thank you for inspiring the trip we’re packing for.

Why did you decide on a triple-puff-pastry of assumed identities? Just for the fun of it?

Mostly for the fun of it, if we’re being totally honest. This plane has the most salacious adventure novels about clandestine work under assumed names and I take no shame in reading every last one I can get my hands on. Maybe I was inspired to great foolishness that way?

There is a certain mindset it established in people actively seeking me out, though, that I think was helpful to people, helpful to what I try to do for people. There are lots of salespeople in the bazaar that are easy to find. Some people need someone who’s difficult.

Honestly I have been enjoying the novels myself, though sitting and reading is not particularly a skill I’ve ever developed—on Almachadta, only a small handful of things get written down. Stories are generally spoken or performed. Perhaps I could ask Aurelius to craft me a fiend that can read novels aloud to me … hm. At any rate, stories are great for inspiring us to great foolishness (and great brilliance).

May I ask, in your own words, what you try to do for people? I could perhaps articulate what my experience was like, and it was … important and wonderful, but it was a single experience. What are you doing, in your estimation?

On a good day, I’m holding up a mirror, or perhaps a lamp. Possibly one in each hand. Allowing people to see something about themselves that they had not, previously, permitted themselves to see; giving them space to realise that they -wanted- something, wanted to express themself in a particular way.

I’ll tell you about a great joy in my life here: I sold a young Hunter who, at the time, believed herself to be a young man, her first piece of jewelry. She was fairly new to Queenstown, had come from afar, and did not know that young men could love and wear jewelry, let alone what could be unlocked as a consequence of that revelation; I got to watch her grow up and come into her own. She’s a clan leader now, of a minor Hunter clan, and she’s done quite well for herself, and she, at least, never seems to have any trouble finding me when I’m in the Bazaar.

I’ve come back to this several times, trying to think of something to say in response, and I keep failing to do so. This:

Almost by accident, this was what happened on the first part of our journey, for me. I had spent a very long time denying myself a great many things, and my Aurelius and Awoken both sort of incidentally pushed me toward really thinking about what I wanted. It is, perhaps, the greatest thing someone has ever done for me.

And I’ve been trying to ask my companions about what they want, and who they want to be, and sometimes I think that is a helpful thing, and sometimes it isn’t, but imagining you managing to do this for people, for strangers, just as a matter of course—that feels really, really special.

When I came into your shop I wasn’t sure to expect, but … I had seen all these beautiful jewelry on the Beast. On Almachadta, metal is rare and often reserved for necessary things—weapons, mostly. Some people will have a pendant or a ring made of metal, but only rarely. I wanted … I mean, I guess, I’ve always been a girl, but I’ve rarely thought pretty things suited me. I was told, very often, that they did not. So jewelry is something I … like a lot, but don’t. I’ve started letting myself want these sorts of things. I’ve bought myself some pieces, but the necklace and earrings I got from you were the first piece of metal jewelry I ever owned (and one of the first pieces of jewelry I owned at all!)

So thank you. What you do means a lot to me as well.

As for that clan leader … I’m happy for her, and I’m glad you helped her find her way. Any time, by the way, you want to tell me a story about someone, I’d love to hear it. Even small things. I’ve … missed stories about small things. Not that your hunter was small—indeed, that was huge—but lately everything has been about fate or past lives or deep harms or even great triumphs. I also really value hearing about individual people, even if they’re people I’ll never know.

Ach, that reminds me, I owe you stories about Khejvard. Although I suppose that’s for the public thread. I’ll try and see if I can get the other two to chip in, as well. It’ll be more fun that way; I think it’d be good for them.

As for your companions… Sometimes, people don’t need that kind of help. And that’s frustrating as anything to me, because it’s the one button I have to push! Don’t be like me, have more than the one trick to play. Joking, of course, so as to say that I know, I think, a little of how you feel. Because sometimes they do need that help, they just don’t know it yet, and there’s never any way to tell when that is or isn’t the case, easily. You do get a feel for it, if you manage to stick around as long as I have, so look forward to that.

Makes me happy to hear that my shop could bring you joy, Salme. That’s what it’s for. That shipment, in particular, I think; I had a good feeling about that batch of pieces. I’m glad that I was right.

Yes, please get the others to chip in. I did realize I misspelled your name in that thread, for which I apologize; the linkpearl does not allow us to edit our casts.

I am learning that other people are very different from … hm. It is sort of an experience, I think, when you’re used to being able to cold read people 90% of the time, to find people that consistently defy your reads. It’s good, I think. Empathy has gotten me very far, but there’s a point where it becomes projection. I’m … learning.

Also, Awoken may be barrelling your way with some questions—I gave him the cliffnotes of our conversation. If he’s waiting to ambush you at the station, you were warned?

Meeting Tasna was brilliant for me, in that regard. I’ve known her longer than I could have imagined knowing anyone, I think, and I still can’t read her worth a damn. Keeps me on my toes. Xilai, I can finish his sentences without trying, it’s very sweet. And it means I can always look out for him when he struggles to look out for himself. But Tasna? Oh, she keeps me sharp.

As will your Awoken, I imagine, if I do get the chance to have that conversation. I think I’d enjoy that a great deal. You can’t ambush an ally!

I can’t imagine Tasna not keeping someone sharp. You know, I spoke with someone who studied under her in Samudra—Solei, if Tasna ever mentioned them? And even from their stories, and the Rite-tones, Tasna was different from anything I had imagined. I liked her a lot.

If you don’t get a chance there’s always tomestone! He’s … well, were you at the Iron Chef competition? If so, you got to see him at his most brilliant (and ridiculous). If not, ask Tasna.

I did! I was in the audience with Xilai, Tasna enjoys the spotlight much more than either of us do, but we saw everything. You were all absolutely brilliant, and, yes, I understand now what you mean about the Awoken. You have good taste, girl.

Thank you. I think I made some pretty good choices with him.

Oh! I have been meaning to ask. The trick with the mirror, both in the bazaar and in the valley—was that your trick, something Tasna or Xilai came up with, a group project, or was it preexisting?

If it’s something one of you came up with, could you explain how it works?

That’s my trick, and it’s something I learned from… ach. It’s frustrating. Someone who I know was very important to me, once, before I came here. I remember that they existed, I remember that they mattered, I remember the magic tricks they taught me, but I reach out for more than that and it slips away like a land-eel. I could probably teach it to you, although I’m not sure I could do it over this medium. You can hide anything you want in a mirror, though, if you know how to do it.