Scene Archives

, somewhere between the telling of their arrival on Samudra and their departure from it, decides that she’s contributed all she can do this part of the story and stands up to excuse herself. She almost just leaves, just for some space and silence, but she. Can’t help herself, not really, and touches Aurelius on the shoulder with a soft murmur. “Could I borrow a moment of your time?”

glances up, then nods before following after her. “Sure.”

finds a small niche far enough away voices won’t carry, not so private it seems intimate—some kind of cellar for storage, probably, which is perhaps not the most elegant choice but. She paces carefully, and carefully weaves of pellucid gnosis for a bubble, but she does not cast it. “You seem more settled in yourself,” she says.

: “Yeah, I think so.”

nods. “That’s good. I—That’s good.” She drops the threads of gnosis and starts weaving a bubble anew. “The blade you made me is—beautiful. Perfect. More precious than—I think it belongs in the hand of a more skilled fighter, though I’m not going to complain. What do the runes mean?”

paces and keeps pacing, working gnosis between her fingers then dropping the threads to dissipate.

: “One to lighten the weight, one to increase its durability, and one to enhance its sharpness.”

: “But I wouldn’t have made if it at all, if it hadn’t of been for you, so, no. It’s right where it ought to be.”

looks at him, and she nods. “It’s—thank you,” she says again, though she already said it once. She opens her mouth to ask her question, but what comes out instead is, “why did you decide to shave?”

: “Does it look bad?”

laughs a little, warm and exasperated, and it’s enough for her to meet his eyes. “Of course not. You’re one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure you could pull off anything.” She pauses. “It’s just different.”

: “Ah, okay. Was worried there for a minute.”

considers, then shrugs. “I don’t know. Just felt like a change? Maybe a bit of not wanting people to see me from a distance and then run up expecting someone else…?”

: “It looks—well. A little bit more like I’m seeing you and not an afterimage of Annarr.” She starts to weave something different between her fingers with gnosis—nothing magical, just—something that looks like a child’s string-game, but using thin strands of burning. “Were you actually worried that I didn’t like the change or were you teasing?”

: “The a question that pointed out of the blue, a man does wonder.”

laughs again, less pleasantly, and her gaze turns inward. “It’s just me avoiding the thing I actually want to talk about.”

: “I did apologize on the thread. But, I apologize again.”

: “No. That isn’t.” She drops the burning string-game and doesn’t start again. “That isn’t it. I need to ask you for something and I’m not sure if you can give it. And I hate that I have to ask.”

: “Hm.”

stops pacing and leans against the table. She managed to pick a room with no chairs, but there is a table that looks like it gets used to process a lot of dry food items, though it’s clean now. “So. The thing is. With the gifts and the impressing you and the—all that.” The metalwork on the table is really very fascinating, and she traces the surface with her eyes even as she gestures the ‘all that’ away with a wave of her hand. “Is I’m not particularly good at relationships that don’t feel reciprocal in some ways. I feel like you know this, even if I’ve never said it outright. And I always feel like you give me so much more than you get from me and I don’t know what to do with that.” ⁂

starts tracing the grain of the metal idly, dragging her finger over the tiny bumps and nicks in the texture. “And I also. Know you only ever asked for trust from me, and I’m trying really hard to bring that trust, but I keep … I’m not good at it, because I keep getting trapped in my head, wondering about … what you actually think. About me. About us. I don’t know if when you call me your ‘darling girlfriend’ if you’re teasing me or you mean it? I don’t know if you like when we’re … intimate. I don’t know—I don’t know. And you deserve better than my doubt and I’m working on it, but. I don’t know how to get better at it on my own.” ⁂

takes a breath and puts both palms on the table and looks up at him. “I’m not asking you to be Awa. I’m not really sure … what I’m asking, really. I just know I’m the problem, and I can’t fix it on my own.” 🙧

: “Ah. Hmm.”

scratches behind one of his ears. “The word usage in particularly hadn’t been meant to be teasing, though maybe a little amused if that makes sense…? Not that that’s the main point of course but, hmm. I don’t know, it hasn’t been that long since the last time we talked about this, has it? I do like you, and being with you, and spending time with you. It’s. Maybe a little concerning that you feel like personal relationships need to be so transactional? Would you stop liking me if I suddenly stopped making you things? Is it really so bad that there very little I need from you beyond your company and conversation?”

listens, and then takes a few moments to sort through his words. “So. A couple things. Easiest first, I guess, is that of course I wouldn’t stop liking you if you suddenly stopped making me things. I … was concerned you’d think I was viewing things transactionally and I don’t think I am? It’s more …” her mouth twitches, and then she says, “you make me better. By only asking that I be myself, you’ve driven me to figure out who that is. By only asking for my trust, you’ve challenged me to find where that trust is hard to give and try to … build it. You can take my hand and ground me when I think I’m going to lose control of myself.” She does look up at him then, steady, but also a little vulnerable. “What on earth do I do for you that’s like that?” She shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s transaction? Maybe it is?”

: “I mean… a little? It doesn’t matter to me that you think you get more out of this relationship than I do, at least. It doesn’t even really feel like I’m doing much, honestly? But anytime I need someone to just sit with me, or listen to me ramble about random insane things, you’re there for me… well, not without questions, certainly, but without expectation.”

: “I guess that’s also it. I didn’t know if you needed or … wanted any of that. I know I’ve wanted to be there with you, so I was just. Trying to do what I wanted to do. Maybe what I’d want someone to do for me. But after bugging you after Zaed’s, you seemed to have everything really well in hand and I wasn’t sure if that was just. Me again trying to. Give something you didn’t ask for or need or want.”

rocks his head from side to side. “It’s a little easier, here. But it’s easier here, because of all that time we spent thinking about and talking about similar things back on Samudra. Being able to actually do and focus on other things helped a lot, too. And. Well. At this point I don’t really… see myself as Annarr, anymore? So it’s easier to move past things. And a big part of that was you.”

: “Oh.” She frowns. “Did you see yourself as Annarr before? I know—you’d said some things, early on, where it seemed like it. You’d been moving away from it since we’ve been here, but … I wasn’t sure.”

: “Duno. Was messy and confusing and hard to tell before.”

: “Lot less so now.”

: “You said I was a big part of that. Would you … this will sound like I’m asking you to just compliment me, but I’m mostly trying to understand. How was I a big part of that?”

shakes his head and gives an exasperated sigh. “All the time we spent talking about it, and you listening to me sort through things I probably wouldn’t have even bothered to think about if we hadn’t been talking.”

listens to his sigh and laughs a little. “Jorule said you probably wouldn’t bother to put up with me if you didn’t enjoy my company somewhat. And you always seem—exasperated with me.” She smiles a little as she says it, but it’s still a little sharp, turned inward toward her, self-mocking.

: “Only when it feels like you’re going out of your way to put yourself down for reasons I don’t understand.”

: “Horrible self-confidence? Is that not a legible reason?”

makes an expression that’s half smile, half frown. “I mean… I understand that, even if I don’t get it. Even before - you were the one and only Sword Saint. It’d feels like that should’ve done something to inflate your head a bit. And you always act with the air of self-confidence, so it’s a bit, hm, it can catch people off guard when that melts away.”

gives him a wry smile. “Watched by the Duelist’s Mask, remember? Hides that which must be hidden? I’m confident when I’m performing or playing a role. Sometimes I’m even confident when I’m not. I’m, again, working on it.” She laughs a little. “Did you know that I recently asked Caion if I was hot in like, an objective sense? Someone cited a couple things about me that they found attractive and it was … odd. To think about.”

moves around the table to place a hand on Salme’s head.

: “That really does feel like one of the few things you should take mine and Awa’s opinion over all others regardless, but.”

looks up at him. “I know Awa does, I just. You know, I watch you all the time. Not because I like looking at you—though I do—but because I know you’re not big on words. And sometimes I—worry,” she laughs again here, “because it seems like I’ll garner more of a reaction from Wolf. And you’ve said things like … I mean. You’ve said things, especially via the Linkpearl, but. I’m being very stupid right now, aren’t I?”

: “Am I really allowed to answer that…?”

: “You are.”

ruffles Salme’s hair a bit. “I mean, kind of. I’m really, very certain you’ve got more of a reaction out of me than you ever have from Wolf, even if Wolf might occasionally make more of a show about it in public.”

blinks and then laughs and then blushes. “I guess. I guess that is true.” She steps forward so she can rest her forehead against his chest, “So you do like. Being with me er—intimately? Keep in mind my sexual history consists of some of the shittiest teenage boys you can find on Almachadta and Awa. You’re very different from both. I don’t think—I think you’d say no if you didn’t, but also you’re so fucking radiant that sometimes I worry you wouldn’t.”

: “I’ll admit I do not get nearly as into it as some mysterious unnamed princes we know, but, yes of course. It would have been fairly trivial to tell you know if it was something I didn’t want.”

nods again. “Well, again, that’s why you aren’t him and he isn’t you. About the first bit, I mean.”

: “I just get frustrated, I think. Sometimes I feel like I like you more than you like me, and then I’m kind of a bitch about it, and you end up apologizing. It’s a cycle I’d like to break, honestly. I didn’t need you to fret over me after I got knocked out because I was fine and I’m not particularly looking forward to talking about it with Wolf, but. I don’t know.”

: “I will point out that the first thing I did was remove it from you and then insert myself between it and you. I do care. Someone had to keep a cool head though, especially since, as you had mentioned yourself, you would be fine provided we won anyway.”

: “Sorry that wasn’t—I know you care. That’s the thing. I know you care. And I still get … bitchy about it.” She huffs, exasperated with herself. “It was mostly messaging Zaya immediately and the thing about me being weird. I guess I’d say I wish you’d have more faith that I wasn’t just … flipping out for no reason, but I guess I do have a history.”

: “If it helps, I’d have said the same thing if literally anyone other than Lucja had done that with no explanation too. And I’ll further remind you that I did check in with you first, before updating our benefactor. Which. Mmm. I guess isn’t really something you’d be used to? But. I do still have a lot of memories of dealing with leves and business expeditions and scouting requests and the like and so… well, it seemed like Wolf was fully intent on fussing over you for a while so doing a check in while waiting seemed prudent.”

: “No different from the check ins with Caion during the expedition into the ruins.”

blinks. “Oh. I hadn’t … considered it like that. Hadn’t really … hm. That does make sense.”

: “And it does help. I could have explained myself better, but I wasn’t sure. It was just … intuition, really.”

: “That fine. I was content to wait and let you do you thing. And did acknowledge that it was necessarily and doing so had in fact been beneficial.”

: “Still. I’m sorry for getting bitchy about it. I think that’s really what I’m driving at. I hate you always apologizing to me when I’m the one who reads too much into things or reads things wrong or doesn’t trust.”

: “Indeed, before I got a bug up my ass, I had wanted to talk about … again. Me just being a weirdo with no self-confidence I guess, and how to stop having me be such a bitch about it you specifically, especially when I do have all the pieces I need to know that … I’m reading things wrong, or overthinking them.”

runs a hand through Salme’s hair. “Hmm… that’s a tough one. I think we’re both a little familiar with how hard it can be to deal with intense emotions that come out of no where…? So I can understand the initial kick reaction, at least. Though I’m not sure there’s a good solution, other than maybe giving yourself time to give yourself several minutes too calm back down and consider everything when you start feeling yourself getting frustrated about any given thing.”

tilts her head back, just slightly, into his hand. “I thought I had,” she says softly. “And you at least have intense emotions from two different guys that aren’t you. I’m just … well, ‘messy bitch mines’ remains accurate.”

looks up at him. “I guess. I’m glad you don’t mind how I am?”

: “Mm. Yeah. And hey, this didn’t explode into a ridiculous fight, and instead was just a quiet conversation for clarification so… y’know, progress.”

nods. “I was trying to not be a mess for a little while longer, you know. Jorule said something about you makes me act like a teenager having her first crush and … he wasn’t wrong.”

lets out a small laugh.

: “Oh I don’t like it when the two of you agree with each other,” she says with a bit of a mock pout, but she’s starting to smile again.

: “I can see it, though.”

: “It’s miserable. For better or for worse, he gets to deal with the majority of my, Isn’t Aurelius so dreamy and wonderful I wonder if he like-likes me as much as I like-like him bullshit. I annoy myself with it!”

: “Amazing.”

: “Amazing?”

: “Mmhm. In the grand scheme of things it’s… maybe not so strange though? You locked yourself away for years on end when you were a teenager, and are only recently rediscovering who she is now.”

: “Yeah it makes sense. Weird that I’m more normal around Awa, but. He’s … easier to read, at least for me.” She pauses, hesitating on this next one. “I do have a favor for you to … consider. I don’t want … love poetry, or for you to not be yourself. I don’t want us to stop teasing and joking. But. Hm. I think, it might be helpful, if sometimes when I ask you to do something with me … if you could say ‘yes, I’d like that’ a bit more clearly that might … help? It’s okay if you don’t want to do that. I’d just … that was the other thing, I guess, I was trying to ask.”

: “Like yesterday?”

nods and, yeah, she blushes.

: “I think we can manage that, yeah.”

nods again. “Thanks.” She looks at him. “And I guess … since we’re here, is there anything you’d like from me? Not wants, really, but. Hm. I’ve gotten the impression you prefer affection to be more private than public, and … I didn’t want to just. Embarrass you about your new look, but I did want to be clear how much … I like it.”

: “By which I mean that’s why I didn’t say very much.”

shakes his head and laughs. “Probably not the best thing to do in a stranger’s store house when we’re planning on asking them a lot of probing questions ourselves… perhaps when we’re back in town.” A pause. “Though, really, I don’t have a problem with you speaking your mind, regardless of who’s around.”

blinks and says, “who knows. Maybe they’d find it charming?” but she tilts her head, acknowledging that. “The … I missed you, late last night, when I fell asleep before you got back from the forge. But it was very much worth the wait. You look amazing and … hm. Like yourself. In a way I hadn’t really—it was that kind of jolt of recognition without recognition? I hadn’t realized what ‘like yourself’ was until I saw you today.”

: “Ah, yeah. I wanted to make sure everything got done before the train left, and then didn’t wanna wake the both of you. But. Thank you.” Aurelius pulls her in for a hug. “I think I know what you mean. More, mm, distinct? Not just… remnants of somethings else? Something like that.”

hugs back, tight. “You always were, I think. Distinct. But there was a lot of other noise in there. Still probably always will be. But I’m glad. I’m really, really—there’s not a word strong enough for it, but something like ‘glad’.”

would very much like to curl up next to him but they are in a … cave that seems to mostly function as a root cellar, so. “I think. Well. I have a couple more questions about some big metaphysical things, but. That’s really it. Want to go back to the group? You might have to restrain me from picking up Tasna and shaking her for answers but I’m less. Jangly now.”

: “That works for me.”