Caion @ Salme

Hallo, Salme! I miss you too.

It felt more appropriate to continue that conversation in this venue, but I’d been meaning to open a thread here with you for some time anyway!

Are you well?

Oh! Yeah, I’m doing pretty well! Actually really well? Figured a couple things out about myself and feeling pretty good about it, all told. Some of the others are having a harder time than me. I wish very much that I could do something to help them, but I can only love them and be there. So I’m working on my patience, I guess?

Anyway, in things I’m impatient about, I have not figured out shit and/or fuck about the larger questions involving our reality. Have a few more questions though. Here’s one. We told you about the Architect and the Omniclast, right? The Architect is watched by the Stillness, the Omniclast by the Song (or so the Architect told Luĉja) but … I think they’re each too much of the Stillness or the Song respectively. The Song without the Stillness becomes destruction. What does the Stillness become without the Song? How are they failing, here?

Shit forgot to add—how are you? Are things still stable? Did you get to go to Tulinsuojat yet?

By which I meant properly explore, you obviously were there.

How is it doing? The island, I mean.

Oh, that’s a good question. I’ve been reading through the Library in between everything else and there’s some truly fascinating information made available to me and I have some more thoughts, in light of what I’ve read, I think.

If the Song without the Stillness is destruction, my guess is that the Stillness without the Song is…

…the thing that frustrated me about the Academy, when I was young, the thing that drives people to go build their own small towers far enough away that you need to contract a good Glass-Ship to get visitors. You get beauty without breathing; you get an institution that– well. That’s so averse to another Septentrione expedition that a thoughtstorm starts in the middle of the debate. This is a very Samudran thing to say and I recognise that but I think that if the Song is water, then the Stillness must be ice; I can imagine a Samudra overtaken by storms, and I can also imagine a Samudra that’s frozen over like the north. (Certainly, I hope neither of these come to pass! But to illustrate my point.)

If our three worlds are each an illustration of an extreme, why not the Architect and Omniclast as well? It sounds from your descriptions of the Sanctuary that it was a profoundly stultifying and unnatural place, and that’s from someone who’s spent the last several days in endless Circle meetings…

Also, the island is well! I haven’t had the chance to go out that way and see it again, but I’m very much looking forward to it. I feel at peace, there, and it reminds me of you all.

Perhaps, and tell me if this makes sense, but—inasmuch as the Song, at its best, is change and life, it is also destruction. If the Stillness is stability and safety, it is also stagnation. And yeah, I would say the Architect and Omniclast are those aspects driven to their extremes. I think they even both know it and might even want to change it.

Anyway, it sounds the Academy is still a stultifying and unnatural place. Sorry about the meetings.

Oh. I did get a chance to go back to Almachadta, just briefly. The process of its destruction is continuing, but not … it’s continuing, but not at such a breakneck pace that I had to be concerned about it disappearing while I was in Samudra. I thought that might be something you’d like to know.

I’m thinking about… how fire is intrinsic to life, but fire also requires consumption of fuel. I’m not sure you can have one without the other.

The meetings are the meetings; I’m just glad I can keep the Academy on an even keel.

I’m glad to hear that, about Almachadta. I have the Academy studying the gate, and ways to condense Pellucid gnosis into a way that you might transport to your world. We certainly have enough of it here.

In that metaphor about fire, would you say that … the Stillness functions as the fuel of life? And then … I wonder if you would eventually come to hate the fire, if it could only consume you?

I mean I’m glad of that too, but. Well. Sometimes I feel a little bad, that we’re out here having adventures and you’re there. I know it’s necessary, and an adventure can sometimes be an awful thing, but. Well. I don’t know. I never want you to feel left behind.

Oh, thank you for that. I’m wondering how we might use the gates, or some mechanism, to fix what is killing us all. I will be curious, once we get to the Beast, if there is some solution. I suspect there won’t be until we visit Valaïs and Mu as well, though.

I imagine firewood has some opinions concerning fireplaces that may not be aligned with the purpose to which it’s been set. Trying to imagine if firewood were sentient and- that’s a horrifying thought I don’t much enjoy thinking. I suspect, however, that you might be right.

I don’t feel left behind at all, Salme; I’m doing important work here, and you’re doing important work there, and we’ll meet again in the middle some day and give each other a hug, and show each other the work that we’ve done, and that day will be glorious.

I’ll admit there’s a part of me that’s hoping against hope that there’s some simple answer that’ll be apparent upon understanding the structures and mechanics of our three worlds, but I acknowledge that that’s a foolish hope. Still and all, I want to be prepared, if there’s anything Samudra can do for either Almachadta, or the Beast, so we’ll keep plugging away at the problem over here while you do field work!

Well is it really that horrifying of a thought? Isn’t that the nature of all life? We persist through the destruction of other living things. I can’t imagine the fish or the tomato particularly enjoys its experience either. Though I suppose you could say they’re spared the full, terrible existential knowledge of what it means to be hunted.

I don’t mean that as a moral judgment, simply a statement of what is.

I’m glad you don’t feel left behind. I forget that not everyone is as—hm. Driven to the specific forms of action as I am?

I think any preparation is valuable. Thank you, for holding that hope, Caion.

Well, I think the difference is that– I’m as confident as I can be that a tomato doesn’t have experiences. I am less confident as concerns fish. There are many people on Samudra who avoid eating animals altogether, on account of those concerns. I’m not one of them, but I can comprehend their hesitation. As for myself, I have no qualms with taking life, in principle, to sustain my own. But– there’s a reason I specified ‘if firewood were sentient’.

Even though their existences and experiences are wildly different from mine, I– could not imagine eating a noöplankton, in a world in which they seemed edible enough in the first place to draw the suggestion. Similarly, I remember you mentioning in your world trees that walked and spoke and thought and felt – one of them has access to this medium, as I understand it, and I’ve been hoping to see them here. One would not burn a tree like that for firewood, am I correct?

Moral quandaries aside: It’s a pleasure to hear from you, my friend, and I’m glad to be holding that hope for you. Be well in your travels.

Ah, so I was coming at it from a slightly different angle. I was thinking about it from the perspective of the thing that was being consumed and … well. I suppose what I was thinking was that we might very well be the sentient firewood for some great creature, if Wolf’s theory holds true. And that creature using us for sustenance … I don’t know if I could claim it was somehow monstrous for doing so? I’d try to stop it, of course. I’d maybe even hate it. But. I don’t know. I suppose I found it a useful thought more than a horrifying one?

Anyway, from the perspective of the consumer, I certainly agree that sentience is the line that makes eating a fish acceptable and noöplankton not. But also I think … different people draw that line in different places as well?

Ha. I hope it’s still good to hear from me. Apologies if my misunderstanding you hurt; I was just caught in my own bizarre thought experiment.

I’ve been having some of the same thoughts, too. I shudder to imagine what would see us as prey. I shudder to imagine what sort of thing would burn a living mind as firewood. And why. But I suppose that is, in its own way, a rather blinkered way of looking at things, isn’t it? That’s a fear I’m running from, not towards with curiosity. Thank you, once again, my friend, for your Counsel.

In any event, bizarre thought experiments are for getting caught in and exploring to their utmost! Never apologise for that. I’m just not a person dispositionally inclined NOT to, myself, engage in them. Particularly when I’m glancing at my tomestone towards the end of a frustrating day only to see a message from a dear friend whom I miss.

Well I don’t necessarily think it’s a blinkered way at looking at it, really. I think it presumes intent, and that something like that would find value in sentience. It certainly would be something on a scale so enormous it would be—awesome, and something that would be incredibly difficult to understand? Or at least, that’s how I see it?

Oh, well, you’re always welcome to engage in whatever I throw out there. Just realized it was probably kind of confusing. More misunderstandings happen over text than when face to face, I think. Or maybe that’s a me thing.

Right, I suppose what I’m saying is that I’m struggling to imagine being someone or something that did not value sentience, which is… a failure of imagination on my part, in the strictest possible sense. I suppose you’re correct in that something like that would be definitionally difficult for us to understand or imagine, though, so I ought to have leniency for myself in this regard!

A misunderstanding between fellow-Scholars is simply an opportunity for clarity and mutual counsel! Or so I keep telling myself…

Yeah Caion I really think you deserve to give yourself some leniency here! I think a lot of this stuff is really hard to truly understand anyway. I’m still. So I partially asked you about the Architect and the Omniclast because when I was in the void I reached out to the Omniclast. The thing is, when we met him I immediately liked him, and I don’t always much trust myself when I immediately like a godlike being. But … and I need to tell this to Ksenija, actually, but I had been thinking about what her name means, the willingness to love a stranger. And he was introduced as “A Stranger” so I thought … hm.

I thought I should try to enact this thing I’d seen her do with Melpomene, something that I’d admired so much. And I was hoping for some clarity on trusting my own instincts. And I was right to like him? He’s … hm. I was right to like him.

But then I realized I absolutely couldn’t understand the Architect in the same way? Even if I concede that our goals might not entirely be misaligned, I couldn’t see what was likeable about him, or admirable. I think … I think I have a better idea now, so thank you.

New question, hopefully a fun one: when Archie does something that … makes you just overwhelmed with how much he loves you or you love him, do you just … tell him? Does it ever embarrass him or annoy him? Does he get tired of hearing it?

I’m very glad to hear that I helped you sort your thoughts out in some way! It’s given me some things to think about as well.

As for your question, it certainly made me smile. I’ve always had a tendency to be effusive with my praise, particularly where he’s concerned. Whisker-Clan tendencies run towards wearing their heart on their sleeve, all things considered, and I took after my adoptive family in that regard for certain.

I knew I loved him– it did not take me long to know it, and it did not take him long to know once I knew. If he ever gets tired of hearing it, he hasn’t indicated as such to me. I don’t think people get tired, in general, of knowing that they are loved. In Archie’s case I think– when we arrived at the Academy he threw himself into his studies and into being Of The Academy, while I had a bout of homesickness that largely manifested as wanting to spend every moment that I could in his presence. I think if my effusiveness was ever going to be a problem, it would have been at that time? But he was kind and gentle with me, and made sure that we had time together, and dragged me yowling and flailing to a number of Academy events he was, correctly, sure that I would enjoy and even make friends at.

I think it may have embarrassed him once or twice? But if it did, it never rose to the level of being a problem rather than being foolishly charming, or if he did, it was a problem he solved on his own behind my back, which would be very much like him to do but in this instance I feel was probably an appropriate course of action.

I … am not someone used to wearing their heart on their sleeve. Or, perhaps I was when I was very young? I am effusive though. I suspect you know this.

I think. I’ve been thinking. You know them both, obviously, and Awa himself is deeply effusive. That is reassuring and … I enjoy it, very much. Aurelius is—not effusive in the same way? He can be quiet and reserved. He shows his care through his actions, not his words, though he will use words for me. And I realized, quite recently, that I had been. Every time I wasn’t constantly hearing him say that, I’d turn on myself, tell me he was tolerating me at best.

Caion, that has never once been true. Even before we were together, he was never—he was never like that. And I feel very foolish to have not been able to listen to what he was telling me for so long. I’m listening now, though, and it’s … overwhelming. It is so much, and it is lovely, and wonderful, and I never know if I should immediately launch into telling him over, and over again, or if I should have some decorum about it. Awa I know never tires of such things. Aury is … well. I guess he keeps telling me to just keep being myself, and this, too, is part of myself.

When you are a person who relies very heavily on words and stories and someone isn’t talking to you in your language, even if they are talking to you in theirs, it’s going to be hard to understand what they’re saying. But you can learn, and you are learning! I didn’t struggle in the same ways, but especially when we were younger, Archie also expressed his love through actions more easily than through words, and it did throw me for a loop. Your relationships with both of them are still new; give yourself time to learn him as he’s, I’m sure, given himself time to learn you.

All of which said - let him know that he’s understood, now, when you get the chance. Let him know that he’s loved. Don’t bank your flame unless he asks you to - I can imagine someone getting overwhelmed by the reaction to such a revelation! I don’t know if Aurelius is that kind of person, but I can imagine it - but only if it’s actually a need he has.

I’m so happy to hear things are going well for you, my friend.

Did you know that when we first got here … oh. How much do you know about the weird metaphysics surrounding Aurelius? You met Jorule, right? You must at least know something?

I want to … get your take on something, but it requires several explanations to get to the actual concern.

Jorule explained some of the context to me while we were working on the tomestones together. He seems quite lovely? Not the first eccentric Scholar I’ve collaborated with, surely won’t be the last.

I know he’s a visitor from another world even further-out than the rest of you. I’ve gleaned a few things from reading through what’s available in the Library.

Go ahead - if you lose me somewhere, I can ask for an explanation.

I’d recommend reading this in a Bubble, probably.

Before anything else, there was a man from the Beast named Annarr. I can’t tell you much about him because I never met him. By the time the Architect ripped us out of our homes, there was something … he was gone, I think. Jorule saw that he was somehow empty, and decided to occupy his body. That sounds more crass than I think it was. It was an act of care, I think. I’m also not sure how much we were ever supposed to know.

That strange union made Aurelius. I think, very early on, he was a lot of Jorule with these instinctual flashes of Annarr. I think, as time has moved on, Aurelius has become very much his own person. It is. Very complicated. Jorule and Aurelius are different people, and they are also the same person. Both things are true. I prefer to focus on the first truth, but I do know the second.

Prior to arriving on the Beast, we—I had asked Aurelius a bit about Annarr, but he didn’t know much either. Memories of the Beast were readily available. Annarr’s memories were rather opaque. However, when we arrived here he discovered that memories aside, Annarr’s emotions were rather present. He’s been. Struggling with that.

I explain all this because when you say: “All of which said - let him know that he’s understood, now, when you get the chance. Let him know that he’s loved. Don’t bank your flame unless he asks you to - I can imagine someone getting overwhelmed by the reaction to such a revelation!” I immediately want to tell him so. But I know even if that would be a good thing to hear, he has enough on his mind right now. Still, my instinct is to immediately tell him so.

How long should I wait? How do I choose my moment? He loves me for who I am, but I think at this precise moment having some restraint is the right choice.

It’s interesting, because from my perspective as someone who has known and been close with any number of Pearls, everything you’re saying just makes immediate intuitive sense to me. I can imagine it being monumentally disorienting if there’s nothing… like that that’s in play as a potential part of your life, or thing that could happen to someone, though.

We have a term - ‘recreance shock’ - for when something like that happens to a Pearl, when they coalesce after having been split and struggle to reorient their mind and memories in a unitary fashion. It’s… very serious, and hard to manage, and I wish him peaceful and swift coalescence. I wish I’d thought to provide some Samudran resources on the experience; I could not have imagined they would be necessary, although my impression is that you have the situation well in hand.

What mostly cures recreance shock is time. Time, and having a social context that’s consistent and supportive. And your love for him is part of that network of support! He can see who he is in your eyes. This was– it obviously wasn’t remotely the same but this was part of what I kept trying to be, for Synthesis. They weren’t experiencing recreance shock, but they were still struggling with their unitarity and identity, and having someone who they can rely on to be there day after day? Makes all the difference.

I know this doesn’t really answer your question, but this sort of thing has to be felt out step by step, day by day. What comforts him? What makes him the sharpest and brightest version of the self he chooses to be? You’re absolutely brilliant at that sort of encouragement, Salme, whether or not you realise it. I should know.

When you have a moment, would you be willing to send along any ‘recreance shock’ resources you might have to him? I think he will be fine, but I am not certain. Please do so in a private strand. Or I can forward them to him, if you would rather.

The thing is, Caion, that I do not know the answer to this. Everyone, everyone, tells me this. That I can encourage the best in people. That I know how to sharpen and comfort and aid and care, and I seem to be able to do it naturally with nearly everyone and I do not know with him. He does this for me constantly, every day, sometimes just by knowing he is there. I think that is at least part of why I’ve been so insecure. He only asks that I be myself and I am practicing doing so, but I want to do so much more.

The things that I know that he enjoys—the Rite, the esoteric, the challenge of craft—are not things I can give him. I know he likes to laugh, so I try to make him laugh. Part of the reason I worked so hard to make the burgers happen is I knew he likes when we are all together, safe and happy and joyful. He is a protector, he will give of himself easily and without question. He does not ever seem to want anything.

I can give him time, yes. I can give him my trust—something which I have been very poor at granting until recently—but I cannot seem to give him anything else.

Thus the quandary.

Certainly, yes.

Hmm.

Having seen the two of you together, and (limitedly, but still) seen him apart from you, I think I’m still right to say that you anchor him in himself, that you help him be the version of himself that he most wishes to be, even if he’s been uncommunicative about what specific actions help anchor him. I think this is a communication problem, overlaid atop a practical problem which you and he have already solved without saying a word.

I could, of course, be wrong. But I think you’re selling yourself short again, or letting your frustrations at unstated inclarities get in the way.

When you say “He does this for me constantly, every day, sometimes just by knowing he is there.”, is it possible that you do the same for him, just by his knowing you are there?

Is he really that different when we’re apart? I can’t imagine he’d ever not be present if someone reached for him. In a crowd sometimes I fear he might float away, but I’m usually in the crowd with him. Sometimes I do spend less time by his side (him and Awa both) in crowds because I don’t want the others to think that I can only see my partners, or that they must always be looking at me. I would ask, maybe, but I’m worried it would be hard for them if I did.

As for the last thing … I’m not sure. Maybe? He rarely seeks me out. He told me once it was because I never gave him long enough to miss me. Sometimes I wish I could see him missing me, just so I know , but it’s not in my nature to let things go that long.

…I do think I understand what you mean by that. Archie is magnificent, and brilliant, and- tends to get absorbed in his work. When he was younger, particularly, and trying very hard to prove himself in the Academy, and I- felt, at the time, although not any more, like I needed him more than he needed me. I’m confident now that I was wrong in that belief, but it felt very vividly certain at the time.

Is he there for you, though, when you come to him? Does he make time for you? Does he smile? Let him show with his actions in response to you what he does not show proactively. Those count, too. And trust him, when he says that you matter to him. I had to trust Archie, and it was easy to, because it was him, but still hard to, but I’m so very glad that I did.

Also, try… to worry less about what the others will think? I think you’ve spent a lot of your life being worried about what everyone will think, but I know for a fact that Archie is overjoyed for the three of you, and perfectly capable of seeing you all as distinct persons, and I feel like I can confidently say that Luĉja and Wolf feel the same way. And as for onlookers that aren’t the three of them, they can… gnaw on horseradish root if they have a problem? Dry horseradish root that’s been in the cellar too long.

Anyways, I’ve watched his eyes track you when you walk into a room.

The thing is it’s almost the opposite for me? Both Aurelius and Sininen are willing to drop everything and focus on me whenever I ask and it makes me … uncomfortable. I’m not. Used to. That.

I was talking with a … friend … a little while ago, and they said I … had a thing. A hangup. About being useful to people. And I think I kind of. Do. And maybe that’s even why Aurelius isn’t terribly inclined to ask things of me? I do think I’m going to talk to him and ask if he’ll tell me … things he likes? Like, small things, the ones I don’t know? And make it clear it’s less about. Big gestures or gifts but it’s about … the small ways I’d like to be able to comfort him? Maybe that won’t go anywhere and he might not even know but. It might help?

I should ask Sininen too. He’s easier to read and he does actually articulate desires, but knowing more than “he likes coffee” or “azure is his favorite color” would be good, probably.

I am working on the trust. That is the one thing he has asked for. I … yes. I know I can do that better than I have been.

As for the rest of our group … it’s less that I’m worried that people won’t see us as distinct persons (I … do not think I will be mistaken for Awa anytime soon) and more that. People will think I’m not caring or doing enough, or doing it right? And … oh. I’m doing it again aren’t I? Holding myself to really silly standards.

So, I definitely have a thing about being Useful to people. I know that I do. I think, honestly, it might be part of why you and I immediately saw eye to eye, the way that we did, now that I think about it a little. And it’s not– a bad thing? Necessarily? Just something that can be dangerous if you’re not conscious of it.

One of the first things Archie ever said to me that– tilted the world to the side for me was that– we were doing research, working on some things, he had already decided on the Academy and was trying to prepare for entry, and so he was studying, and I was studying with him, and… he called me his lamp, and it- it sent a harpoon through me, Salme. So I think I get what you mean.

Anyways, I think it’s always a good idea to ask your partner about little things that they like! I’m kind of allergic to Grand Gestures but– Archie collected a bunch of samples the whole time he was on Almachadta, without even- remembering fully why he was doing it, so that he could give them to me when he returned. (They’re. FASCINATING, by the way. I desperately wish to visit your home.) And he knew that at that level because he’d asked me what little silly things he could do whilst away that’d make me smile when he returned.

And, yes. Yes, you are holding yourself to unreasonable standards, to which I am confident that nobody else, nobody who matters, is holding you. (Ask me how I know what that feels like…)

I was able to ask Aury, and I’ll be able to ask Awa. I think I am finding my way.

Why are you allergic to Grand Gestures? I … like them. Or the idea of them. Though even small gestures get me, so perhaps something sufficiently grand would kill me on the spot.

Also I … didn’t realize you struggled with being useful and holding yourself to unreasonable standards. That’s kind of a lot. (Ask me how I know).

Wanna know something funny? That friend I made by chatting on the Linkpearl? Turned out to be the fucking Scorpion Queen.

I’m not sure, honestly. I think it might be that in my heart of hearts I’m absolutely a Kushtaka? Grand Gestures tend to come with big loud emotions, whereas day to day affirmations and acts of love and care are less of a… it feels wrong to say that a Grand Gesture could ever be a ‘threat’ but that’s what it parses out as, to me, if I think about it hard enough. Now you’ve given me something to think about.

Also: Wait, what? What in the world happened? How did- Let me guess, Bird Shit? Was she pulling a fast one on you? Tell me everything, I’m a hopeless gossip!

Tell me if this sounds wrong, but is it because you’re already giving so much and big grand gestures make you feel like. It creates a demand you can’t possibly live up to? That’s just a guess. Tell me if I’m wrong.

All right. Do you want me to write it like a story or do you want the me screaming at myself version?

That might be correct. I’m not sure. It gives me a hypothesis to roll around and poke at, at any rate. I’ll have to think about it. I think, if nothing else, it’s in the vicinity of the truth. Is it that way for you, also?

I think the ‘you screaming at yourself’ version might be cathartic and I feel like there are precious few other people you could present that version of the narrative to, so I’m more than open to that medium of storytelling. Otherwise, I’ll leave it to your capable judgement!

Hm. The closest anyone’s ever come to a grand gesture was Sininen and his sparrow charm—before we were together, I’d gifted him some thread that matched his eyes, and in turn knotted it together and threaded it through a charm that signified … my version of the Sword-Saint but. Hm. That wasn’t. A grand gesture. I still almost died of … well. Want and delight but also embarrassment. So no. I don’t think it’s like me? (Separate post for the gossip because it gets dumb)

Oh! I’d noticed the sparrow charm and wondered if it had a story behind it. That’s really lovely.

Okay so. AG. angelsGuignol shows up and immediately starts heckling Jorule. So we know it’s bird shit, right? You’ve sniped at them a bit, but. We end up talking about … Light I don’t even remember. Baking at first? Other stuff? It’s scattered throughout the linkpearl, and then.

I don’t even know what I did. Zaya—Saranzaya, the Scorpion Queen’s right hand—read some of the public posts, and said I parried AG’s defenses? And I guess? But I start this private strand with AG and they were just. We were talking about doing hard time in the messy bitch mines and just. I can’t even remember where the term came from, but it was. It’s how I felt, sorting through all these feelings and thoughts I’ve been having since we got here?

And then they were. Caion, it is bugfuck wild to re-read this thread because it’s so obvious but. Like Jorule and I were trying to figure out who this person was, because Bird Shit, and like we knew the Scorpion Queen was also someone from Bird Shit history, but we didn’t make the connection? I don’t know why I just. Light.

And so. I tell her this story. This whole ass story about me being the Sword-Saint and why I became the Sword-Saint and what my relationship with the previous Sword-Saint was like. Like. It’s not … I think Aury and Awa and Wolf together know the whole thing, but like. I hadn’t laid it all out there as a narrative before. And she … I don’t know. Listens to the whole thing. And she’s … kind? Breaking it down, how I got hurt, what she thinks about it, and why it’s okay that I’m still messed up about it and … just. Stuff I needed to hear?

And she’s telling me about herself too, and it’s … I don’t know. She’s more optimistic than I am, somehow. I mean, that’s not really a high bar to clear, but I’m letting out some of the worst parts of myself at her and she’s accepting them? She gets it? Like not the … anxiety or the self-confidence issues, but like. The cynicism and the anger. The deeper parts I don’t. Didn’t realize were so. Present.

Anyway. We’re on the Beast, we’re trying to figure out how the Scorpion Queen knows some of the things she knows, and I’m talking to AG and they keep … they don’t know shit about Almachadta, but they seem to know a bit about the Beast? But I don’t know shit about the Beast, really so it doesn’t add up and it’s in private messages anyway and … whatever.

Then we meet her (as in the Scorpion Queen). And like. Her gaze lingers, for a moment, on me? And it’s like. Why. That’s when I was kinda suspicious. Because unless she was curious about whomst Aurelius was fucking, there’s no reason for her to be interested in me whatsoever.

Then she has this techne about being the best, which AG has this hole thing about. And it’s like. Hm.

And then. I was sitting on a line Jorule gave me from their past history, and she laughed? And kind of … explained? And it reminded me of AG?

And then. She fucking. Called me “babe” and AG’s the only person I’ve ever heard use that. And I was sure, but I didn’t … I wasn’t sure-sure.

Anyway, this was during a Rite, which we would’ve won—she was at her stress cap—but then she fucking pulled out a fucking. Card that was an auto-win? Like literally the Rite is “The Scorpion Queen Wins the Rite” and she. So Wolf is the one who kicked her ass, you’d have probably flipped your pancakes about it, it was super impressive, Archie helped, and then. Like.

I know. I know she’s AG. And I say I’m pretty sure I know her. And she says this line about the messy bitch mines. And.

I hug her? I don’t know. It’s … I thought I’d have to wait way longer? And just. This is my friend. Even if we hadn’t met before, she’s my friend and I love her and also she’s The Scorpion Queen of the Beast.

Anyway. We don’t get to talk. She has to go off and … I don’t know. Be weird and immortal and undefeated and shit. Oh and Archie challenged her to a cookoff, so that’ll be interesting.

So yeah. That’s how I made a new friend and she turned out to be the fucking Scorpion Queen. Caion. Caion what am I doing with my life.

I’m not upset really it’s just like. How did that happen it’s fucking ridiculous.

I’m not even mad at her? I knew she was keeping a secret. I just. The Scorpion Queen is my friend and we met remotely over the Linkpearl when I told her about my fucked-up past??

Like how is that even. A thing?

(I do like her a lot? She. Hm. Okay she kind of reminds me of you in some ways, but like. From the opposite angle? Like if you were you but inverted and … spiky? I think it’s the care and the … willingness to listen without judgment?)

It is! I gave him a bluejay (that’s what Sinitöyhtönärhi means) inscribed with my favorite memories of our journey in turn. That’s where I perfected the memory capture technique.

Oh, First Principles. It had slipped my mind that a corollary to that statement is that I’ve now sassed the Scorpion Queen via interplanar messaging device. I suppose we’ll have to invent new diplomatic protocols?

Goodness, that’s a story. Thank you for sharing it! It sounds like what you are doing with your life is making friends with people because it never occurs to you to be afraid of or weird about them? That’s a good thing, not a bad thing, as far as I’m concerned. I suspect that’s what Saranzaya meant when she said that about breaking through the Queen’s defenses? Some people put walls up; I think you’re good at flowing around them gracefully.

Caion that probably made her like you and if it didn’t I don’t think diplomatic protocols are going to save anyone. I’m pretty sure she just likes being treated like a person?

Ha! It’s funny because I never feel like it but. Maybe that’s true?

Anyway AG also offered to challenge my mentor to a Rite and I told her she could before I realized who she was so please enjoy that thought too.

Oh yeah the diplomatic protocols comment was a joke. Well. A half-joke. I’m always haphazardly constructing new diplomatic protocols half by accident, it’s sort of been my job for a while.

Something Silver-Throat told me when I was a wee pup: What feels true isn’t always true, AND what you don’t feel as true might be true nonetheless. In this case, I think you should take heed of the virtue of Counsel on the part of myself and of Zaya.

I feel like… from what I know of your mentor he’d probably consider that a good time? Provided the stakes were reasonable, of course. Speaking of new diplomatic protocols, I suppose…

That and you do kind of … hm. Do this thing like. I pace? I think you pace with your mind. It makes you very, very good at what you do. But I can tell you’re doing it. Just fair warning I’m pretty sure what passes on the Beast for diplomacy and what diplomacy is codified as on Samudra are … significantly different. Honestly, it’ll be funny when you meet.

And yes, Scholar-Emissary. I will keep your Counsel in mind (I do still have my marked-up pamphlet. I take it out sometimes and think of you).

I wouldn’t have thought about it as pacing with my mind before you said anything, but now that you mention it I can’t see it any other way… you’re exactly correct. Noted, as to the significant differences - I imagine that if we on our various worlds ever do get to meet each other face to face it’ll be quite the adjustment. I, too, am looking forward to it, including the challenges!

I think of you often, friend, and I return to the gift you gave me for peace and comfort more often than I believe I expected to. It’s helped, quite a lot, and I thought you should know that.

You know, when I spoke with Solei, they told me when you first learned to Bubble you did it almost compulsively? Over and over again? I find myself … I have a piece of string I keep and even when I’m not trying to make a Bubble I’ll go through the weaving, the knotting and un-knotting (often while I’m pacing!). Sometimes I’m spiraling when I do it, but sometimes I’m just trying to work through problems, to weigh possibilities. I can just imagine you doing the same, albeit perhaps with a little less emotional mess.

I am so, so glad my gift meant what it did to you. That was the intent, always. I’m glad it can bring you comfort.

Also I’m not sure what your mobility is like with the crystalized bits, but here’s your friendly reminder to be sure you’re getting up and moving around too, even if it’s a gentle stroll around the room. I’m reminding you because I needed to remind myself too.

…actually now that I think of it, do naiads have organs? Do you get muscle cramps? Jorule would call me a psycho for asking this but I realized I don’t actually know.

I’d almost entirely forgotten about that, too, but Solei was telling the absolute truth. I’ve always been best when I had something I could do with my hands or to occupy my mind. Archie and I would make each other little gnosis-worked puzzle-boxes back and forth and we got- pretty alarmingly good at it. So, I guess we’re even more alike on this than we imagined?

That’s a GOOD reminder, thank you. My mobility is- a struggle, but I have help if I need it that I need to rely on more and stop trying to pretend I don’t require, and I am really bad at remembering to get up and move around.

That’s a delightful question, and Jorule would be wrong to say that! You’re exercising the Virtue of Curiosity, how could anyone ever begrudge you that? As far as an answer goes, we have complicated weaves of gnosis where humans and Kushtaka would have organs. Think of it like… having a couple different hearts, spread throughout your body, all going in synchronous unison. If I think about it (and it’s weird to think about it) I can feel the cycle of water in my own body, and I can feel where it’s no longer flowing, where I crystallized.

I do get… something basically equivalent to muscle cramps if I don’t get up and move around every once in a while. So, again, I thank you for the reminder!

Every time you tell me something about you and Archie I just—you two are so very much shaped for each other, aren’t you?

I think I was jealous about that, for a while. Aurelius and I … that’s work, as we try to build something. We don’t fit together naturally, I don’t think. We don’t understand each other. And Sininen is … I imagine more like Archie is for you. Brilliant, but sometimes I feel like I get him fundamentally and sometimes I don’t understand him at all. It’s the work, though, that I think sometimes makes it feel more meaningful.

I … if you ever want to talk about how you feel about your mobility, I’m happy to listen? I can’t relate but I can listen.

Caion, I think you’re sort of unique in being delighted by questions like “do you have internal organs?” but I’m not going to complain. That’s fascinating though. I feel like … hm. Samudra was strange. The very nature of how things worked there—the very power of thought—caused me to … become a little un-grounded in my thinking. I’m a very. Hm. I like the strange, the esoteric—but also my work with gnosis is better tied to physical object and tangible metaphors.

Did I ever tell you how grateful I am you could translate that for me? You really saved my ass a couple times and I feel more confident in my own gnosis-work than I ever have before. I know you never did much teaching at the Academy, but you taught me a lot, and I’m grateful for that.

It was work for Archie and I, too, we just– we got a head start, right? You’re seeing us after we’ve known each other - and at least seen the shape of what we meant to each other - for quite a while already. I definitely had to learn that his brilliance wasn’t going to outshine me, though. And, like I said, learn how to trust him properly. Try to be patient with yourself, if it takes some time for you to get there. I know both of them would have that patience for you, they’re both good men.

I’m definitely still getting used to it myself, if that makes sense? I’m sure I’ll have some thoughts. For all our brilliance and our tendency to examine every edge case of usage, there’s a lot of the Academy that’s not well-designed for people with limited mobility, and I think there’s some real advances I could make in that field. Or at least direct other people to work on? I can do that now.

Part of me always did want to be a teacher, but the constellations never lined up for things to happen that way– or, well. I suppose they did, didn’t they? Just not in a way I could have ever expected. So, I’m very very grateful for that. Thank you for telling me.

They both already have had that patience. And I finally see it. So yeah.

Though apologies. I hope I didn’t diminish the work you and Archie put in. Sometimes. I wouldn’t say I’m a hopeless romantic but I do have a romantic streak a mile wide. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in that and forget even the most beautiful, stable relationships took work.

Yeah or you have all the unhinged genius ideas and make them other people’s problem to implement?

They did, and you were exactly the teacher I needed. I think, maybe, you might have the chance to teach again. Your work is important and I know you’re an amazing Primus but I think there might be a lot of people on Samudra that bounce off the Academy’s way of doing things and could really use your unorthodox perspective.