Salme @ Wolf

Hey. I got real in my head and was trying to mind my own business and not ask you how you were doing unless you wanted to talk, but I’ve realize lately that’s exceptionally silly. The Truth That Burns and then the Beast. How are you doing?

I’ve been. Light, I knew this was going to be harder on Aurelius than he said it would be, but seeing how hard it is on him is … well. First time since I’ve rediscovered my own volition where I’ve realized I can’t do much of anything other than be there.

Still, there are other things that can be done. I was in the library for a long time last night working through … some of my own issues, but I realized we’re sitting on some information about Zosimos that I’d like to share. I know you weren’t ready though.

Also I do want to do those gnosis-work experiments. I do wonder if we tried to make the same thing out of pellucid-burning-flourishing as radiant-tenebrous-liminal if it would turn out the same? And I wonder if one could use a different tripartite weave (say flourishing-burning-tenebrous) to accomplish the same goal. Does the stability simply make it easier or is it necessary?

Oh. I also have a rash thing to tell you about, but I’d like to share it with you directly.

“Rash,” hmm? I await with bated breath…

On the gnosis-work and the library: yes, of course. I suppose I must learn to create those blasted…ah, those very useful folios. The gnosis-work is, perhaps, more interesting to me, but perhaps the two lessons can be combined. Your questions are excellent–still carrying a little Samudra with you, eh?

And as for Aurelius–I understand. The hardest thing, as a yeresh, has always been those times when I could not help; or when the wisest course of action was to let another walk their own path, even when it was painful. I have found, in those cases, that the best thing to do is to find something you can do, even if it’s not directly related to that problem. “Busy hands lighten the heart,” as my old master might have said. Trust his resiliency, sister. He is strong, just as you are, and he will find his way. Hold him gently, and allow him to stumble–simply be there to help him up again.

Wolf you really aren’t beating the dad allegations. “Blasted folios.” I’m happy to combine the two lessons, but I’m also happy to jumpstart the folio collation process with what memories I can access. Archie also reached out to me about tripartite gnosis weaves too, so he may be interested. As for Samudra … I mean, I suppose? We carry parts of everyplace we go with us, don’t we? But Samudra changed me just as I changed it. It was not always my favorite place, but I did try to learn what lessons I could.

I know he will find his way. I know that with absolute certainty. It does not make watching him hurt any more pleasant, though. And I am trying to stay busy, but I always am trying to stay busy.

You didn’t answer my question about how you are doing, Wolf. Or do you too also need time?

Ah, well. If being who I am is a “dad,” then such is what I am, I suppose. ‘Tis my role and my nature, regardless of the name, aye?

And forgive me, I was not attempting to dodge the question–I am quite well! My conversation with our good Narrator helped assuage what concerns I had, and now…it is simply a matter of taking the next step on the road, same as it always has been. I am who I am and I am who I choose to be, I believe, Angels and Truth not withstanding.

It is strangely…exhilarating, here on the Beast. The Worldsong here is deeply different from either Almachadta’s or Samudra’s…it drives. But there is something beneath it, too, something…which I cannot help but feel is somehow connected to Lucja. I shall have to speak with him soon.

Well you could, perhaps, be a bit less suspicious of the technology. Just a bit.

I’ve gotten several interesting lessons from … hm. Some of those who journey alongside us, or exist in this space, but are not here with us. Both a stranger and someone very familiar have entreated me to enjoy us being alive in the here and now. I think yours is the correct lesson to take in that regard.

However, if you do wish to know about how I’ve come to understand this particular aspect of our world I have … extensive, though somewhat contradictory notes. Please feel free to rely on me, too. Jokes about your role as dad aside, you’re my friend and I’m here to help.

Oh. You absolutely should speak with Luĉja. Did you ever get to share Worldsongs with one another? Oh! Speaking of which, I do want to see about refining Methexis, or at least our versions of Methexis, into techne at least for myself (possibly for yourself, if you’ve any interest). I had some success with Caion.

I also perhaps may have some problems I require your wisdom on, but only if you are in an adequate place to do so. They are old problems, I fear, so I ask your patience in that regard.

Hey Wolf, I wanted to. Apologize, I guess? For getting distracted at the end of the Rite and being laser-focused on Jae. We’d been. It was trippy, to realize the friend I’d been talking to lately was the Scorpion Queen. Still, you were magnificent and it seems like everyone was able to care for you.

Still. I felt a little like … I had betrayed an unspoken vow to stand with you always. So. Yeah.

The to-do list grows! Not that I am displeased by that in the slightest. And yes, I do intend to speak to Lucja, there is…something interesting about the song here, and it ties to him in ways I do not fully understand. I cannot quite grasp the full sense of it–it is buried beneath the Worldsong somehow. …I also need to lean on his forging expertise, for I find myself weaponless. Not that I can say I’m particularly upset about that either, oddly. If they were to be lost, what a way to lose them. Though I am curious as to why she targeted mine, there was nothing particularly special about them, save for…ah. Well. Save for their owner, I suppose.

And, as always, the apology is accepted, though as oft seems to be the case, I have not in any way taken offense. I was rather busy remaining conscious, or not, and I cannot say I particularly noticed much of what came after the Rite. Though even if I had, I would not have felt in any way ignored or betrayed–and it is hardly as if you abandoned us on the battlefield. If anything, I feel rather chagrined that I may have “hogged all the glory,” as it were.

Come, let us speak at the next opportunity. This blasted brick is no substitute for speech face-to-face.

We should hang out! I don’t know how much you’ve got to explore Queenstown, but it’s been amazing so far—Bigger than five Courtyards all next to each other, and then some! Zaya showed me the bazaar, and I just got back from the palace. The bazaar I’d recommend without reservation. The palace was. An experience, and not one I’m sure you need.

As for the Rite, I absolutely I don’t think you “hogged all the glory.” That moment was amazing, and it was yours, and you should be proud. Besides, it was clearly a team effort, and Archie certainly had his moment as well.

That said, I (and I am typing this to you, not telling this to you, because I don’t know if I could say this in person without expiring from embarrassment) I was jealous in a way I’ve … never been jealous before? Of you or of anyone, really. It wasn’t the Rite it was Jae’s attention. I guess. I had just figured out who she was, this person I’d become really good friends with, and I wanted her to look at me, see me as her equal. To see me, generally.

So I’ll join you in feeling chagrined. I earned my own moment. Challenged her 1-on-1. I lost, but I expected to. I wanted to, actually. Anyway, I’ll need a new sword myself, so if you find a weaponsmith you particularly like I’d appreciate a recommendation.

Anyway that’s my embarrassing tomestone confession. Hope you’re well. Even if you don’t have the energy to do gnosis experiments, I’d love the chance to just … talk, and to experience the Beast with you.

I have done some wandering, but more, ah…recovering. Hah, you seem to have bounced back from your latest encounter with Herself faster than I did. Though, ah, I suppose I shall not be much help in finding a weaponsmith.

I admit that I am still (rotating) about what seems to have definitively chosen itself as my new weapon. I am not unfamiliar with strange, fated encounters–certainly not at this point–but for such a thing to happen so strongly…it is not unpleasant, but nevertheless somewhat disorienting.

And–really, Salme, truly–you have nothing to be embarrassed about, sister. To wish to be seen, known; to want the attention of one we find compelling, undiluted…that is human. You caused no harm, and found a path to that which you sought which seems to have done well by you. We feel what we feel. There is no shame in that.

Well, actually, you found me the perfect weaponsmith, made more perfect by the fact that having him craft a weapon for me will be more meaningful than anything I could have hoped for otherwise.

Hm. For the disorienting … I have a question for you, though perhaps one best asked in person. But I wonder if … I know I am the only aspect of my Spark. This is the first world I have ever existed in (and isn’t that something! To be newly-awakened and alive!) but just because Jorule does not recognize you doesn’t mean you haven’t existed before. There are innumerable worlds out there you know (I ask because I am speaking to an Angel that reminds me of you. Only in a very sideways way, but their … perceptiveness, and their care? I don’t know). Or perhaps it is simply that Annarr’s memory was best honored by the man most able to appreciate a weapon precisely for itself alone. (And there is much, I think, all of us owe Annarr).

And thank you, Wolf. Hearing that from you is … I knew, intellectually, but hearing it is. Thank you.

…well, perhaps that explains the very strange dreams I’ve been having (amongst other, less-strange but perhaps more-prophetic dreams) about…using my tomestone. Well, that’s somewhat disturbing. One does not exactly know how to feel about the idea that one’s desires and aptitudes are not entirely one’s own. I suppose there’s no harm in it, for now at least, but. Hrm. I wonder…

For the moment, I suppose I shall simply content myself with being grateful to be so well re-armed. Hm.

And…you’re very welcome, Salme. Any time I can ease your mind, please, I wish to do so. One understands very well that what one knows and what one feels are often two different beasts entirely. And that hearing something in the voice of another can, somewhat illogically, make it feel more correct than hearing it in your own voice, inner or otherwise. But, as my master was fond of saying–there are things that logic is no good for.

The thought of you having baffling dreams of actually using your tomestone is very cute, you know. Disorientation aside. And, regardless, you are yourself. Am I any less myself for having learned a couple tricks in the Rite from Aurelius? Or for learning some of the craft of weaving from the Mask? Or from learning to theorize about the world from you? I know it isn’t quite the same, but we are all built of other people who came before, and you are still absolutely yourself.

That said, if it would be helpful, you are welcome to read what I have said to your Angel if you’d like. To see where they are very like you and very not.

Ha. I am not very good at resolving my issues with logic at all. But. I suppose I need not rely only on myself, hm?

Hm. I am tempted, and yet…it is against my nature, and my ethics, to invade that privacy. Even if the person involved is, ah, entangled with myself in ways that I am not entirely sure I understand. That they are not entirely like myself is, oddly, reassuring, however.

As I said, there are things that logic is no good for. That you solve your issues primarily through other means is not a flaw–no more than one might fight with one weapon over another. Sometimes logic is not the appropriate tool for the task. And, as you’ve said, when it is, one may always seek out those who have a greater aptitude with that tool. The goal is not to use a particular tool. The goal is to solve the problem.

I spoke with Awa and I’m doing much better. I think—I apologize for getting so upset. Several different issues conspired to make that revelation feel more … limiting than it actually was.

We’ll talk again soon, but I did want to thank you for … when we were linked, lending me your power in order to hear tuuli’s words. It was such a gift.

I hope you are staying strong, brother, and finding your own way. I love you very much.

You hardly need apologize, Salme. You were distressed, yes, but that is no sin. You harmed none. Your reaction was as it was–as it should have been, for it was authentically yours. You did the right thing–you sought those who ground you, you felt what you needed to feel and processed what you needed to process. I am simply glad that your distress has been eased.

If anything, I feel like I owe you an apology, for my behavior after our shark encounter. I should know very well that you were not–until the very last, at least–in any real danger. But…mm. Knowing and feeling, when one watches a dear companion fall, is not the same thing. And, in that moment after…I know it is not what you meant. But I cannot help but be frightened by the thought that you feel yourself expendable. Your worth is so much more than how you may serve us, even in the Rite. Your logic was not wrong, I just…

Mm. Simply know that I am not angry at you, nor do I think you should feel any need to change your actions or your priorities. I was frightened, and acted out of my fear, and that is not your fault. I must cast out fear–and not take it out on you.

I don’t think you need to apologize either, and there are far, far worse things than someone caring for you so much they’re upset to see you harmed. It also … I understand why my comment bothered you, especially as you’ve been one of the people helping me move away from using myself as an expendable resource. That’s something I have been working on—valuing myself more.

But in the Rite I will prioritize keeping our damage dealers on their feet and that was the calculation in my decision. I thought taking that hit for Aurelius was the best way to keep all of us safe, including myself. I suppose if there’s anything I would ask it’s that you try to trust I’m thinking strategically during the Rite—at least usually.

It’s funny, you know. I had almost this exact conversation with Awa on Samudra, just with the positions reversed. He pointed out we’re all going to get hurt at some point, and I pointed out I didn’t have to like it. It led to a much nastier fight than anything between you and I, so again, even using myself as a benchmark you’ve done nothing that merits an apology.

Thank you, though, for talking about it with me.

Of course, my friend. I apologize for my slow replies–I have been spending quite a bit of time with Xilai in his garden. What a wonder that valley is! Even the greatest forest-wardens of Almachadta would be in envy of his skill. How strange, to find such green-craft in one from such a desolate world. One only wishes he remembered more about it…

We should talk soon. I feel our little interlude of idyll shall soon pass, and I would like to spend what remains of it well–I am not sure how much time we shall have for idle conversation once we return to Queenstown.

I would love to hear about what you’ve learned from Xilai. Part of me has a crazy dream of constructing some sort of greenhouse in Queenstown. Jae says there is a butterfly garden somewhere here that is quite lovely, but I’d love to see Almachadtan plants growing here.

We should talk soon. I have a memory that I recovered that … is not particularly important, but is still one I would value sharing with you. Also I … have many thoughts on our recently-discovered past history, and your continuation of the story.

If you would like, perhaps we could spend some time in my atelier in the library? The Centrelight is a facsimile, but it is a good facsimile, and I do miss the light.