Salme @ angelsGuignol

So yeah. I don’t know what you know about me or what you want to know about me if anything? My name’s obviously Salme, and I’m doing hard time in the messy bitch mines right now. My crime? Completely just absofuckinglutely subsumed any feelings, wants, or desires for the past seven years into playing a really specific role. Now it’s like everything is on fire all the time, and I have the luxury of being really public and open about it and I’ve been taking it. It’s mostly been working out?

You’re obviously not from this world, and you at least have met Jorule before. What’re you interested in? Baking, obviously. Heckling Jorule, which, I mean, usually I’m the one getting heckled but I get the impulse. Your have a friend whose advice you’re trying to take, yeah? What’s she like?

I’m learning how to weave on a floor loom now. I was raised by a weaver, but never learned beyond a really simple lap loom. I’m a bit dogshit at it. I’m good at embroidery and acrobatics and I can tell a pretty good story when I’m not caught in my own head. I’ve done most weird or unpleasant odd jobs you could probably imagine doing on a low technology world. My most time-consuming hobby is telling Jorule my problems, which indicates poor judgment on my part.

Anything else you’d like to know?

honestly for as much as i can look into things if i wanted to, i have been trying pretty hard not to. don’t tell jorule i said that. or do, i’m not your boss. there’s a lot i don’t know and i’d, always, rather hear things in someone’s own words. you send two people out to go check out the same thing and report back and you get two sometimes very different answers, right? and that’s useful information, it doesn’t mean either of them was wrong, just that they brought their own eyeballs to the party

hm. my friend is pretty amazing. i’ve met people like her before and i always look forward to meeting people like her again. i’m not. really a person that many people can call on their bullshit, i don’t think? and there’s a particular kind of person who’s really never afraid to do that. on which note, i suspect you and she would get along, lol

also come on you can’t possibly blame me for enjoying heckling jorule. especially if i’m fully correct about some things. some stuff i have to confirm with my own two eyes but lol, goddess. honestly worse people in the universe to tell your problems to though, all things considered

good on you to try to learn how to do something you struggled with, though. i think that’s important. it took me fucking forever to learn how to bake worth a damn. also took me forever to learn how to work leathers. still not great at that and it rankles tbh

which, ok. since we’re talking about the messy bitch mines

i have been doing my time for a long, long, long time. salme i think it might be a life sentence. i am not a person who is very good at not being the best at something. anything. all of the things. i don’t think that’s ever going to change? but there is a way to be chill with the kind of person you are deep down and then you’ll run into people who enjoy that person, that you are. even if you only know them for a little while, it’s proof that there are people out there toiling away in the messy bitch mines w/ you. cause like

heres the thing

were all in the messy bitch mines, all the time all the time

its all the messy bitch mines all the way down

thats what finally clicked for me

Yeah. Yeah! That’s … it exactly, right? Different people will notice different things, prioritize different things, mark different things as significant versus not. To use my own way of thinking about things, tell the story about themselves differently. It’s all true. It all means something. Anyway, thanks for not looking overmuch. I probably won’t tell Jorule.

Why aren’t you the kind of person people can call on their bullshit? What are you like when you aren’t on a BBS system calling people nerds? Obviously passionate. A perfectionist. You care, which I mean. Who here doesn’t? We’re lousy with people who care so much we almost bleed with it. I should know. I’m one of them.

Tell me more about your friend. I’d probably get along with her. Despite what the strands on the Linkpearl might imply, I’m pretty good at getting along with most people? But I’m more curious about your relationship. It sounds like you’re still working through a lot of things? Messy bitch mines all the way down, right?

Confirm with your own two eyes means we will meet you in person at some point? I understand if you can’t tell us much, but surely you can say “we will meet face to face at some point during this story?” How did you even end up a part of this anyway? Caught in a net too? Anyway, when we meet, how about we go 1-on-1 in a friendly Rite?

And I mean, yeah, I guess Jorule is pretty heckle-able, but I have roughly the same weaknesses. Something I am saying in the hopes that you will not take advantage of said weaknesses, since this was information freely and openly given.

So I’m guessing you’re someone who’s pretty good at most things they do? I’m not, really. That’s been a bit of a struggle for me. I have certain abilities and pieces of knowledge from a position I volunteered for, but before that I was never particularly talented at any one thing. Lying to people, I guess? But I think picking up something I struggle with is pretty inevitable, as I don’t find myself with an abundance of natural skill.

That sounds as if I’m down on myself, and that is a flaw I’m working on, but what I really mean is that my strengths lie along my ability to do. To ask, to learn, to practice. I’m very teachable, but I need to be taught. For a long time, weaving was a sore spot, because the person who was supposed to teach me died before they could. But also … we have so many stories on Almachadta, about good weavers who stay at home and wait. I never wanted to be that, so I almost … avoided learning. But now. It’s something to do, and it takes my whole body, and I’m trying to learn to weave gnosis. I’m hoping I’ll be able to make things for myself and for those who I love, eventually. And hey, I’m still going out and having adventures, seeing stars and moons and … well. It’s been … amazing.

Anyway, re: the messy bitch mines. What you said made me … realize that I was holding myself back. Or not. Hm.

I’m a performer. I’ve always been a performer. Even when I was a little girl, I’d perform just for my isovanhempi, whatever dumb little story I came up with. I’m good at playing roles—subtle ones, ones people don’t often notice I’m playing. I feel wrong-footed when I don’t have a role. Recently, I’ve been working on figuring out who I am without a role, and I generally like that person, but it’s. Even when I’m being myself, I’m being myself 120%. I’m being the best version, the kind that shines brightly, the kind the can work miracles with the right help. I’m still trying to figure out what it’s like being 80% of myself. I don’t like her very much but … there are people who love and accept her too. I’m really lucky.

And it seems like a lot of people are not in the messy bitch mines to the same extent, but. I don’t know. Maybe I just wear it more honestly.

I’ve never had people I could tell my problems to. Well. I had one person, but it was complicated. It is complicated, still. I love him, but. He wasn’t able to be exactly what I needed due to some very convoluted circumstances. Now I can be a messy bitch all the time, with so many people who support me?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s dumb to worry about people not liking me when I’m not working miracles or building bridges.

Uh. I guess. Is there anything you’d like to know about me? Again, I appreciate you haven’t looked so I’m offering here.

oh my goddess there are so many things to respond to here

thats not a criticism btw im just yowling

first off yeah i absolutely expect we’ll meet face to face and i’m 100% down to duel when we do. i goddamn love the rite, it’s great

second off, i cant promise i wont mess around with you ever and in fact i can pretty conclusively promise that i will, but you are not currently under suspicion of being in the running for universe’s #1 biggest idiot so i think youre pretty safe at this juncture

i’m not counting all the offs im gonna off, lying to people is a great talent. also wild guess but i bet you’re selling yourself short. most people do i think? like sure people aren’t as good as me but babe that leaves so much room for people to be excellent, you dont even know. although you admit in literally the next paragraph that it sounded like you were being down on yourself so i’m gonna put this down and then read everything you wrote rather than trying to respond point by point. catch you on the flip side

ok. yeah. i can, actually, relate to… mm. I’ve had a truly ludicrous amount of time to think about who i am and who i want to be and what parts of myself i like and don’t like. mostly what i have found out is that i get bored really easily and that i’m kind of a dick when i’m bored. so. like. thats not a monster you can kill. i can’t make a number go up to solve that problem through sheer force of will and stubbornness and banging my head against the problem you just have to fuckin. deal? at one second per second and it makes a bitch feel aimless in, i think, not the same way but one that’s in the same zip code possibly

keep on fighting the good fight though. never ever ever give up.

i dont think its dumb to -worry- about that though. i think if people don’t like you when you’re not being useful to them there’s nothing you can do about it other than to note that down as a matter for the historical record & factor it into yr dealings with them in the future but also that that happens way less often than you think it probably does.

you just gotta go for it!! and it sounds like you are. and that kicks ass. don’t stop

I don’t think it’s about being useful? It’s about. Most people have certain expectations about other people. It’s knowing how to play to those expectations to help them best be who they want to be, or accomplish what they want to accomplish. It’s about presenting the correct side of your self to someone so they can understand you as best as they’re able, because let’s be honest, most people aren’t going to put in the work to actually see you as a whole person.

The person I am when I’m not at 120% is. Needy. Scared. Insecure. That’s not about being useful, that’s about not subjecting people to an experience that objectively sucks, right?

ok. what expectations do you have about people that they should be worried about not living up to

although. that said. ‘to help them best be who they want to be’ is a real good thing to be, to someone and your friends are lucky to have you. it’s being held face down in a stagnant pool of white magic until it stops kicking and screaming but you want the people you love to be sharper and you want to be something that can sharpen them. thats a good thing to want imo.

but you can’t be that all of the time, and that’s not who you -are-. my friend isn’t my sounding board and my whetstone and my lamp 100% of the time. she’s her own person and it’s her being her own person that’s why i can always find her in a crowd no matter how big the crowd gets or how long it’s been since i saw her last.

and if people dont want to put in the work to see you as a whole person then sincerely fuck em if they cant take a joke.

that entire last sentence is bullshit just from what i’ve seen you post in the public threads here & up with it i will not put. who makes YOU sharper, salme? who holds you accountable to the brightest burning part of yourself? is anyone doing that for you? maybe someone should. because being that person isn’t “giving one hundred and ten percent” and whoever told you that should get fed to a brontosaurus

do they even have brontosaurus on your world

would fucking suck if they didnt

I … no. We don’t have brontosaurus. I don’t even know what they are? Hm.

think of the biggest baddest monster you know about and then make it a vegetarian

‘cause it’s fucked up if a bronto eats you. like. if a behemoth eats you that’s just what happens sometimes but if a bronto eats you it’s because someone knocked you out and put you in with the cabbage trough and the damn thing was too dumb to notice and crunch you go.

anyways consider feeding a motherfucker to a brontosaurus if necessary thats my point here

I try not to have expectations for other people because I have generally found those expectations to be easily disappointed. I try not to want things from other people because they will never be there when you stumble. It took getting abducted and mindwiped by the most socially awkward self-styled “god” in existence to meet someone where I’ve found that not to be true.

For my friends? I expect them to tell me the truth. I expect them to rely on me, if there’s something I can do for them. I expect them to trust me, and believe me when I tell them about myself. I expect them to rein me in if I misstep, or go too far, or cause harm I didn’t intend to harm.

Is that sharpening? No one told me I had to give so much. All of this is self-inflicted. But I wouldn’t have the things I have now, the things I treasure, if I hadn’t acted ceaselessly with my own volition.

holy shit

ok. i am not going to say “holy shit your world sucks then remind me never to go there” because i do not think it would be helpful to say that without self-mockingly quoting my own immediate response

but

i gotta say it

goddamn girl i thought i was hard boiled after this long in the messy bitch mines but i guess not and now here you come

anyways uh. fuck. i mean if thats the case i guess it explains a lot of things. i hope your new friends??? don’t??? suck ass? holy shit.

anyways the POINT i was trying to make

is that if you don’t have insanely high expectations of everyone around you, if the bar is so low it is buried in the basement concrete & the devil is limbo dancing w/ it, why and how are you so certain they all have insanely high expectations of you

my other point is that yes, you are making your friends sharper when you do that and they should be grateful to you for it

and it sort of feels like they are? so that’s a good sign. you deserve better than to be disappointed all of the time.

To be clear, I don’t think it was a function of Almachadta. I think it was a function of what I wanted from people which they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, provide. My plane is one where everyone is fed and housed and cared for; in many ways, it is paradise. There is no war and very little violence. Sometimes, though, people slip through the cracks. You cannot describe to me a world where that is not true; there are always cracks, and there are always people seemingly designed to slip through them.

To be additionally clear, since I became an adult, I have been holding people at a distance for. Well. Because I thought it was the right behavior for the role I was playing but. I had a very good reason for thinking I was going to die very young. It has felt like I have been sitting, prone, waiting for an axe or a sword to fall on my neck. I’m not sure how often I gave people a chance after that. That role I was playing—it was a heroic one. Carrying people’s stories forward in time, remembering past histories that had otherwise been forgotten. Sometimes, early on, people mistook the role I was playing for the person I actually was. If I was going to die (and, I had reason to think, that everyone on my plane was going to die very soon) and if people preferred the act, who was I to dissuade them?

The thing is you cannot simply sort people into inadequate and worthy. Sometimes someone loves you and it still isn’t enough, it isn’t what you need. Sometimes the only way to have anything at all is to want less. It sounds like you’re much older than I am, so maybe that sounds young and foolish. But that’s what I’ve learned.

And I don’t think my friends have high expectations of me. I’m not sure they often have any expectations of me whatsoever. I’ve been trying to prove that I can shoulder some expectations. They’ve seen me at my lowest, and sometimes I feel like they can only ever see me like that—vulnerable and sad and sacred. Or they’ve seen me at my … I wouldn’t say “best.” I am a lot when I am fully and completely myself, but it is at least a lot that entertains and inspires.

And I am. I have two partners. One of them is. An aspect of the same Spark that is Jorule, which is sort of how I ended up becoming friends with him. That’s Aurelius—you’ve seen him around. The other is Awoken, who still hasn’t chosen a name. And they. Aury especially seems to like me, even when I’m. Annoying or nosy or self-absorbed. Awa … we’re having some difficulties, because I keep accidentally hurting him by being worried he’s going to get hurt, but he’s much the same. It isn’t as grim as I made it sound. I think. Hm.

It’s hard for me to trust people. Not with my life (a life is so cheaply bought and sold) but with my heart. How many times does someone need to catch me when I fall before I trust that it will always be true? And how do I pay someone back for the impossible gift of them being there in the first place?

I keep thinking I need to be worth it, that at the very least I can shine so brightly that no one will regret having stood with me through so much.

Maybe it is about utility after all.

gonna tell you something i haven’t told anyone in a very very VERY long time, not even my friend

im pretty sure that you have enough context about what’s going on that if i say “the last person i was before this” it won’t totally make me sound insane? anyways. his story… didn’t get to finish. and it fucked with me pretty bad tbh? i wanted to be him, i wanted to embody him. and winter claimed that world early for reasons outside my control. i know that who i am right now owes a lot to who he was and who he could have been if he’d had more time.

and the thing about him was, and i remember this vividly, seared into my FUCKING soul like it happened to me myself in every way that matters, is that he was supposed to have been dead years ago. he was sick. real sick. he knew he was living with a ticking clock in his body. and it’s a cosmic fucking irony that, now, i have all the time in the goddamned Universe. but i know what it’s like to be waiting to die and trying to get one big swing in before the grim reaper does his special little fuckin doorbell ring.

and i also know what it’s like to temper your own expectations about what you will and won’t be able to achieve. i have had to learn that the extremely fucking hard way. so, no, i don’t think you sound young or foolish. i do, however, think you’re wrong and that you should grab the world by the scruff of the neck and demand what would make you happy out of it. you’re where you’re at because you’re climbing up a hill made out of dead moments you’re trampling underfoot! let them be dead. look to the future.

i also. know. what it’s like to not be able to let people in. and i want to be upfront with you that there are some things i will not talk about until… later, if at all. and i, may the goddess salvage me, actually like you enough to want to be extremely honest about that and say that i am very much hoping that that ‘later’ happens. so if i’m a cagey bitch at any point it’s– that’s not me trying to get one over on you or be strong on you or anything. there’s just shit its too hard to say right now.

but. all of that said. you keep talking about being ‘worth’ it like you’re something that can be bought with Lucre and, babe, that’s never true of anyone that lives and breathes

nobody is worthless

and it really does not seem to me like anyone regrets standing with you through what’s happened

so

maybe im wrong but im usually right

Yeah, AG, I know precisely what you mean when you say “the last person i was before this.” I don’t think I’ve ever been anyone other than Salme, so I don’t have any valuable observations about winter, really. I know it will happen one day. I know I want every moment, every word, to feel special and memorable. I wish your last self hadn’t had his story cut so short. When we meet, will you tell me the whole story? I’d like to remember it for you.

But. Knowing death is waiting is … the worst thing about it, looking back, is that I didn’t try to get one real big swing in or anything at all. I was going to play my role, and give, and give, and give, and then when it was time to die I was going to carve a tally mark on a wall (Almachadta dies in cycles, you see, and mine would have been the 217th), set the Mask that persists memories across cycles in its resting place, and walk into the fire alone. All that work, all that performing, all that hope made for others, and I would die as passively as a cow that had already had its brains stunned out. That was the best thing I could do with my life, I thought.

I still may have to die like that. I haven’t … I am not foolish. I am not dismissing the possibility. But I am trying to … accept the things I want, and to pursue them unselfconsciously. It’s given me two great loves, several amazing friends, someone who is … both a brother and part of my own heart too, and a whole clan. I know that. But I get in my own way often. Honestly, the Linkpearl has been a gift in some ways, because I can get some of my messy bitch shit out of the way semi-privately. Still, though. Hm.

I was telling this to Aurelius earlier, but. You know that we’re in a story, right? Of course you do. Well. I think I sometimes also have the power to … I’m a storyteller. I notice sometimes I can warp the story around me. And I’m worried in doing so I’ll obscure the brilliance of my friends, of my companions, and it’s very much their story too. It’s why I like knowing what role I’m supposed to play, I think. That’s why I’m sometimes concerned about … what I want. It used to be that I thought what I wanted was somehow wrong, rotten. Now I’m worried it’ll drown out everyone else. I’m so loud.

I can’t even figure out if that’s a different issue or the same one? Or, no. It’s about being myself. Always. Of course.

Sometimes I wish I had been another self just so I could get out of my head.

Thank you, by the way, for being upfront about what you will and will not say. I appreciate that a lot. I honestly appreciate you a lot, which I never thought I’d say, considering the initial impression.

oh, fuck

goddamn

i need a minute. i want to give– i have some thoughts about that– about what you said about warping the story around you, though

Hey. Take as long as you need. Obviously I spend a lot of time on my tomestone. I’ll be here.

ok now that I’ve had some time to process and put together my thoughts,

it feels like you keep worrying about being overshadowed by people, but you also worry about overshadowing people

and the thing you gotta realise is, there’s just one light in the world

and

it’s us

all of us

when you’re brilliant, there’s a brilliant light shining from you and the people you’re hanging out with, the same as what happens when any of them are brilliant

and you can’t bank your own fire for anyone else’s sake. ever. there’s nothing in the Universe that could make you owe someone that. if someone asked you to, you call yr local brontosaurus (and i don’t think anyone asked you to or told you that you had to but feeding yr own ass to a brontosaurus would be counterproductive in this context.)

if they want to shine, they can shine on their own just like you are and i bet a shiny Lucre that when they do you’ll have their back just like they’ve had yours

You know, despite the cynicism, I’m very good at loving people. Or. Individual people. The stranger, the more seemingly unlovable and difficult they are the easier it is for me. But I don’t come close to your ability to love the abstract idea of people as a matter of fact. The idea that there’s just one light in the world and it’s all of us—surely you’ve seen how awful people can be. You said earlier that no one’s worthless, and while I certainly would put myself at the bottom of the hierarchy of worthlessness, that’s a hole with a lot of shitty people filling it. It doesn’t mean you treat them differently—that’s the beauty of a role, you don’t have to evaluate people, there’s a formula for care—but I’m not sure I really can believe we’re all one beautiful, inherently valuable light?

Which. Light, that sound shitty. Something about talking with you brings out my cynicism. Maybe it’s because I know no one else will see this.

That also isn’t a commentary on my friends. I do think some people do shine. It just feels like a rarity, not a given.

And, like. If that’s true. If you’re right, why did it take this long for anyone to ever see me? Like. Hm.

Can I tell you a story? It’s my story, from before all of this.

im gonna shut up and not respond to that until i hear the story. you can always tell me a story, though. especially if it’s somewhere like here where i can get to it when i get to it and have time to respond

i dont think thats shitty of you though i just think it means you got hurt. its not shitty to have been hurt

anyways. story?

Okay. This story will come in several parts. You’re welcome to respond as I write them.

I first met the Sword-Saint of Almachadta when I was sixteen. That is a lie, but it is also the truth. I had seen him before, certainly. He had, perhaps, even taken notice of me. But I was sixteen when we met in the way that matters.

To describe him, to really give a sense of him, I need you first to imagine Almachadta. Imagine, if you will, that you hold a sphere in your hand. If you were imagining the Beast, I would tell you about the surface of the sphere, the people living among red rock and metal, the way you can see the land curve away from you if you look far enough into the distance. The fact that when you look up, you see stars glittering overhead, a band of moons, a feeling of infinity.

Now, imagine yourself inside that sphere. That is what Almachadta is like. It is green, every shade of green you could possibly imagine, and all of it touched by dappled light. It is not just green, though—Almachadta flourishes fiercely, blossoming with every fruit and flower you could hope to imagine. It is green, but everywhere you look there is a riot color waiting to greet you. If you look up, you would see the other side of the world, green and alive and distantly hazy, but between you and the far side of Almachadta sits Centrelight.

Have you ever sat beneath the light of the True Sun? Or, a sun, if any of your previous selves ever lived under a sun? I do not mean the sun of Mu, screaming, violent, injured thing, but a the light of a sun that could never hurt you, that loves and loves and loves and loves? The Centrelight of Almachadta is to the True Sun what a slice of lemon squeezed into a full glass of water is to a lemon. And yet it is beautiful and bright and warm. While the days grow dim and the seasons do too, it is never dark on Almachadta.

The Sword-Saint was like the Centrelight in that way—bright, constant, warm. He always had a hug and a laugh. Today his hair is fully silver, but then his curls were salt-and-pepper. His smile is bright, and he is always smiling. That is as true then as it was now. He wore every emotion on his face, his heart on his sleeve, and a story on his lips. There have been many, many Sword-Saints. He was the most well-loved of all of them.

The first time I met him, I hated him.

I have told this story before. I said I hated him a little. I said it was because I thought it was an act, and I hated the phoniness.

That is true.

But I hated him. I hated him with every slimy, roiling, rotten part of myself. I hated everyone back then. And yes, it was because I was hurt, but I still hated. I had been hurt and I wanted everyone else to be hurt too. I wanted it so badly I felt like I was haunted by it.

Because of the Rite, random acts of violence are not possible in this world. Maybe that saved me. I don’t know who I’d have ended up as if that had been an option. As it were. Hm. No, I’ll save that for my next section.

hey. thank you for telling me all of this. i don’t– everything i can think of to say feels flippant in a way that WOULDNT be funny or appropriate, or can wait until the end of the story, but i wanted to let you know that i read all of this and

i hated my friend the first time i met her. it took a long time for me to stop, honestly. and it wasn’t very rational on my part. im not saying its the same thing at all but i’m saying i think i get it. or at least something like it.

what did he do to change your mind?

ok ok no ignore that. tell the story. you’ll get there.

I’m completely fucking up my own pacing, but AG … I was doing some … I was reviewing my memories, so I could best tell this story to you and in the process I was doing some real hard labor in the messy bitch mines and … I got distracted, I couldn’t tell stories I just needed to think. I didn’t mean to not respond to this for so long. Shit. I hope you don’t think I was ignoring you.

I think I made a Breakthrough though. Shit’s wild.

hahahaha it’s fine. the one thing in the entire goddamned Universe i can promise you is that im not going anywhere

also, that sounds rad. love that for you. sometimes you just need to have a nice long think.

Right, but I didn’t want you to think I had lost interest, especially if you saw me casting replies elsewhere.

And yeah. I realized … when I was doing some of this memory-work that I’ve been spiraling over the same insecurities with both of my partners again and again and again, and. They’ve both sat with me through it, but seeing it all laid out together I realized that I kept doubting their love for me when it’s been so obvious, so present this entire time. I got irritated at myself, maybe a little frustrated, but not. I didn’t hate myself for it. It did make a lot of things click, though.

babe text is an asynchronous mechanism. and i know you’re not gonna leave a story unfinished, i dont need to have been looking up ya’lls ass with a flashlight to be 100% pure unadulterated certain about that

good. dont hate yourself. but its good that you can see that kind of thing about yourself. dont beat yourself up if you tread the same ground over and over again sometimes, either. frustration, though, i get it. goddess knows i get it :(

sometimes i feel like i go through the year and, oh, it’s pokiehlember, time to have THIS problem. welcome back old friend. oh now it’s gaeust, shift change in the messy bitch mines! and i’ve been at this for a long time. i’m glad you’ve got people willing to stand by your side even when you’re at your worst. it makes a world of difference, doesnt it?

Yeah treading the same ground sometimes is understandable. Not seeing the obvious and blazing pillar of the exact kind of love you’ve always wanted? A bit like “come on asshole.” I’m sure I’ll have moments.

… okay so I’m gonna level with you. Real tempted to see if “pokiehlember” or “gaeust” jog Jorule’s memory, but that feels a little shitty to do considering you’re cheering me on, so. Announcing it here to see how hard you do or don’t object to the prospect.

But yeah. I mean. These things are cycles, but sometimes you can break them. And yeah. It does make a world of difference.

lol go for it i bet itll be funny

Whelp that revealed jack shit, as you knew it would.

which is in fact funny as hell so i was right

Funny for you, maybe.

Anyway.

it WOULD BE if i read your DMs with him, which i dont, because im a civilised person

but just from that alone i know it was in fact real real funny so zero regrets

I hated everyone back then, because I was hurt. I got hurt young, and it made me weird and strange. I’d say broken, but weird and strange.

My parents named me ‘Salme.’ It means ‘poem’; it means ‘song’. They were traveling musicians, talented ones, and they wanted a child but they did not want to raise one. They left me in my home village with my grandparent, my father’s parent, whose name I still cannot recall and I don’t know why. I saw them now and then. I remember my mother’s skin was dark and her eyes were almost black, and that my father’s mouth looks a lot like mine. They gave me a lyre on one visit, one for a child, but I was not skilled at playing it. They taught me songs, but while I could remember the words I was no singer. They came less often. I was nine, the last time I saw them when I was a child.

But my isovanhempi was kind and patient. On Almachadta, we grow up in huge, riotous extended families. It is often people to whom you are related, but not always. But it was just my isovanhempi, my parents, and myself. My isovanhempi was a weaver, and so I sat with them, weaving. I helped them string their loom and wound the weft-thread onto shuttles and sometimes got to sit up high on the loom and manipulate the heddles when weaving complex patterns. I told them stories I dreamed up as we worked all day—of things I had seen, or wished to see; adventures someone, somewhere, was doubtlessly having. They loved it.

I was ten when my isovanhempi died and eleven by the time we buried them. The village headwoman handled the practical considerations. I picked the readings, the songs, the stories for the funeral. My parents did not attend.

And after that? On Almachadta no one goes hungry or unhoused. That does not mean that no one goes unloved. My parents said they would come for me—next month, or a few months from now. Once the dim season ended, no, wait, at the turn of the year. I was passed from family to family and I turned twelve, then thirteen.

The thing is, I knew. My parents had wanted a child but they hadn’t wanted to raise one, and then when the child they did have had turned out to have none of the talent they hoped for, they did not want to take on the work of ferrying it about the land. Even as I practiced the lyre as I waited, I knew. And so instead I tried to be good. I hoped that perhaps if I was good, if I was right, that one of the families I had been placed with would want me. I learned their trades and their stories. I did everything they asked. It didn’t matter. The last one was—a triad with no children who desperately wanted children. But I was too old. They wanted a baby.

So I left my village, and no one bothered to follow. I went to the Courtyard, where the Palimpsest-King of Almachadta guides the world. There were a lot of children there. It isn’t uncommon for children to wander away from their homes at that age or a little older. We were fed and we were clothed and we had a place to stay and absolutely no one noticed that I had no place to return to. Or perhaps they did and simply did not care. Indeed, no one noticed much about me at all.

And that is when, I think, I started to hate them. Hate everyone. And from that hate, I started to take. First small things, but I never got caught. Then larger ones. Most people have something precious to them—something that matters for the memory it carries, not for any other kind of value. I would steal things like that, spend time with it, try to understand why it mattered. And then I’d often give it back, sometimes returning it from whence I’d taken it, occasionally pretending to be the one who’d found it.

Do you have any idea how sour stolen gratitude tastes? I still ate it up. Sometimes I even thought it would matter, that that connection would lead to a deeper one. It never did.

And so I stayed in the Courtyard, and I stole things I never kept, and I learned how to butcher animals, make parchment, till fields. I lurked in the inns where performers stayed and learned sleight of hand, acrobatics, and every story anyone ever told. And all the while, I hated and hated and hated.

And then I met the Sword-Saint.

The Sword-Saint wears a Mask—bone-white wood, carved of a wood that doesn’t seem quite like any other kind of wood you could find on Almachadta. No one but other Sword-Saints know the truth of the Mask, but everyone knows what it means. It means special. It means history. It means Almachadta itself. If there is a single item more precious on all of Almachadta, I did not know of it then, and I do not know of it now.

And, you cannot possibly know this, but: there is a blind alley in the Courtyard that the Sword-Saint used to take in cutting away from his duties for a moment to patronize his favorite meat pie stand. He would slip away, almost guilty, and shove the whole thing in his mouth in three or four bites.

And, you can also not possibly know this, but I am not a large woman, and I was smaller then, and dark. It was not so hard to hide there and wait. To slip my hand out and snatch the Mask from the satchel at his waist.

He took one step, two. On the third, he touched his belt, and his entire body went tense. He turned, and there I was, at the mouth of the alley, Mask in hand. I had it held to my face, taunting him. The most precious thing in all Almachadta, and the the most important figure second to the Palimpsest-King himself. I had never seen the Sword-Saint terrified before, but in that moment I saw abject terror, the kind that shuts your body down. The kind that wipes away all thought except for of itself. Fear, in its most primal, basic form.

No one but other Sword-Saints know the truth of the Mask, but in that moment I knew that there was a truth, and that it was terrible, and that the thing I held in my head was precious beyond all reckoning, but also a burden beyond all reckoning as well. And so I decided to tell the Sword-Saint of Almachadta, the story-keeper of all the world, a story about himself. It went like this:

“There was a Sword-Saint marked by the Sunbeam-and-Dog, and he wore the Mask and made people laugh and laugh and laugh, all the while carrying a terrible, terrible secret with him. And this secret was so unspeakably awful that he’d never told another soul. It was a secret held by each Sword-Saint, and whoever wore the Mask would learn it, and it would hurt them, but they’d do the job anyway and the secret was…”

And then I pulled the Mask away from my face, and I told him, “I’ve no fucking clue,” because I didn’t. And that was when the fear left him and he breathed again.

He was fast, faster than I could hope to be, and he reached for me and I thought his hands were reaching for the Mask but they were reaching for my shoulders instead, and he pulled me into a hug and called me trouble and, yes, did swiftly take the Mask back but. It was concern for me that had so terrified him. He saw me.

And that is the first time I loved the Sword-Saint of Almachadta.

There are rumors that each Sword-Saint has a premonition of their own successor. I am not sure how true that is. I do know that after this there lay an assumption between us, unspoken, that I would be his successor. I dogged his steps and demanded story after story after story and I told him stories of my own—true ones, and well-spun lies, and everything that is both at once or somewhere in-between the two. And he challenged me to tell more elaborate stories, taught me tricks to keep the audience’s eyes on me, introduced me to storytellers who came to the Courtyard that he’d learned from as well. We dueled until I could beat anyone in the Courtyard other than him. He taught me how to read and then to write when no one had ever before noticed I couldn’t. He sharpened me to a gleaming edge.

I would have done anything, anything for him.

But the one thing he needed most was freedom from the terrible secret of the Mask. He did not tell me what it was, but he did tell me that it weighed on him, that he would not wish it on anyone else, that it had destroyed Sword-Saints before him. He did not say that the role of the Sword-Saint is a curse, because the role of the Sword-Saint is a gift. But it was a curse to him.

I did not duel Badri to simply relieve him of his burden. I knew I could bear whatever truth lurked within the Mask. I wanted feel like I belonged in Almachadta, when I had always felt like I did not fit. I loved stories, performing, being seen. I was curious; I have always been curious. All of those are true.

But I also wanted to relieve him of his burden, and beyond that, I wanted to be important to him. I could think of no better way to accomplish both. When I won the Rite, he cried.

I was 18 when I became the Sword-Saint of Almachadta.

Here is the first thing you learn when you wear the Mask: That Almachadta always ends. Here is the second: There is no is no stopping this fate. And the third: It is always reborn.

The Sword-Saint carries memories forward through these cycles. The Sword-Saint bears this truth alone so no one else must live with despair. I have sometimes, during the course of this journey, wondered why there is so much sadness in my history; everyone else seems to have had some kind of joy. But I do not think I could have done my job half so well if I had learned this truth after knowing such joy. As it were, I was glad it was me and no one else. I was glad Badri could rest.

However.

He built a family once he was free of the Mask—unwanted children across Almachadta. He lives in a big, loud house and is surrounded by children who love him and whenever I go to visit him it feels like home, but it is not my home. It was never my home.

And I love him, I do, and I know it was only my becoming the Sword-Saint that allowed him to build his family. I know he loves me with all his heart and I love him. He is my … father, insomuch as I have any family at all. But, AG. Part of me. Part of me still …

If everyone is beautiful and inherently valuable, if we all shine, why did no one ever see that? Why did I have to take on the Mask to build anything at all?

Because the thing is … the Mask does not know, cannot know, when Almachadta’s wheel will turn, but when I first became the Sword-Saint, I spent weeks diving in the Mask, looking for patterns, truths, stories, trying best to understand the role I needed to play and building it from the ground up. But one of the other things I was looking for was a sense of time.

How long did any given cycle take before the world devoured itself?

And I knew by instinct before I knew for certain that I would be the last Sword-Saint of this cycle, but once I had laid out all the evidence and knew this world was very, very old, I was faced with the reality that it would be me, alone, at the end of all things.

And something broke in me that I did not realize until recently was broken at all, but I lost all volition. I became a passive thing, waiting to die. I performed the role admirably, with everything I had—it did become everything I had. And I will not say it didn’t matter. It mattered very much. I will not insult myself and say I was a poor Sword-Saint. I was not Centrelight-sunbeam Sword-Saint, but gleamed like I distant star. I am very good at what I do.

But I lost myself in being the Sword-Saint and I forgot, entirely, to be Salme.

I thought I had grown past that. Since we’ve begun this journey I have … worked through many things. Grown. Flourished, even. I’ve rediscovered myself and … become more myself than I could have ever hoped to be.

But I don’t know what to do with the fact that everyone I meet seems to love me now. And now is what matters. The future is more important than the past, but I just.

Where was any of this when I needed it most?

And why can’t I forgive Badri for something that was not his fault, was no one’s fault? I don’t even regret being the Sword-Saint. I just resent that … it is so simple for him and his children, and it is so complicated for me.

He sent me a message recently. I haven’t been able to bring myself to respond.

goddamn, salme

i’ve been sitting here thinking about what to say that wont sound dismissive on accident so lets start with: thank you for sharing this story with me, it means a lot to me that you did. and some day, if i feel like i can, i’d like to tell you my story too.

hard confirms that i think we always would have gotten along, though. that ‘ive no fucking clue’ killed me.

it’s hard for me to imagine having the mask and giving it up. putting that burden on someone else a second later than you absolutely had to. i think i would have died rather than lose that rite tbh. it’s hard for me to relate to someone who thought that was okay, but i dont want to be a vicious bitch about your dad and i dont think thats what you need rn but i am kinda judging him and i think it’s fine if you judge him too. just make sure to split out judging HIM and judging your whole world for fucking you over

18 years is not a lot of years in which to decide that nobody was ever going to think you were worth anything until you took on an insane suicidal burden for your culture. the entire situation with the mask sounds fucked as hell. putting all of THAT on… goddess knows how many just. normal-assed people? over and over again? i guess it was the only option available over there. you’re real good at what you do but what you do is ‘professionally fucked by your entire planet’ and i think that’s. gonna? be hard? to fucken deal with.

but again

and i wasn’t there and dont know what happened and i know this is gonna sound insensitive or like im saying you suck, and that absolutely isnt what i mean

but it took me like. actual centuries. to stop constantly fucking up basic shit. and im cool as a cucumber now! went from mad sucking to being the fucken best and nobody has any idea it was ever the other way (except you. hope you feel lucky). people around here are usually just -starting- to really properly learn a trade or train with weapons and find their people when they’re that old. you had shit parents and you fell through the cracks and that fucking sucks and you didnt deserve it but im pretty sure that everyone would have wound up thinking youre rad as fuck by about this point even if you hadnt been the sword saint

sometimes you’re broke as shit and you need just one lucre

and then years later you’re fuckin rolling in it. rolling around in giant piles of lucre with your paws in the air

and you think back to that one real shit day when you were broke as shit and go, fuck damn it, if only

and that day still matters or else it wouldn’t keep biting at your heels

but there’s nothin you can do about it!! you just gotta steamroll ahead!! roll around in your pile of lucre.

the lucre in this metaphor is hot guys i guess

I’d love to hear your story, AG.

Badri didn’t have a choice, is the thing. I won the Rite, clearly and unambiguously. To set the stakes at—what, that he would die if I won? That would violate every precept of the Mask and the role of the Sword-Saint and the passing on of the Mask. And he made sure I knew, insomuch as anyone could know, what I was signing up for. It is far, far more than he got.

He was younger than me, and he did not know. He. The Sword-Saint before him … didn’t die, they’re still alive, somehow, but. It seemed like they were dead, and Badri was the only choice. Of course, aside from Badri I couldn’t say how old the Sword-Saints usually are when they take on the Mask? I’m … one thing I’m working on is finding the stories of the Sword-Saints, not just … information about Almachadta. But the farther away from your current moment in the Mask, the murkier the memories become.

It’s been odd because I’ve realized that. I am more fucked up about the whole thing than I thought I was. I used to feel. Not superior, but like. I had been made for the role in a way that Badri wasn’t, that many other Sword-Saints weren’t. I loved the stories, I loved performing, and I suppose I didn’t mind holding everyone at a distance. It seemed to work out better than holding anyone close.

But I’m. Way less okay than I thought I was. I don’t. React normally to things. I struggle to. Know what to do without a well-defined role. I’ve at least stopped having nightmares about the end of all things? But it seems. Exhausting. To ask people to keep dealing with me being upset about this.

And I feel weak, I think. In some ways, it was easier being a useful thing. I hadn’t realized. How much of myself has gotten eaten away. Anyway.

Thank you for listening, and your kind words. And … I mean, I love my partners, but the lucre in this metaphor is … I think love? I mean, I have two boyfriends but I do only have two boyfriends (everyone keeps acting like … Jorule called me a “harem protagonist”?)

Though when you said, “but it took me like. actual centuries. to stop constantly fucking up basic shit.” Have you been in this world for actual centuries, or was this before?

… AG what did you say to Badri?

i just told him he was a chode i dont intend to elaborate

sometimes i do impulsive bullshit but i can rein it in

if i ever meet the guy face to face im beating his ass in a rite though

ill let you choose what the stakes are if you want

i think i get what you mean, though. it sounds like you are watched pretty intently by the duelists mask (the stars, i mean, not the. the thing you got) and the duelists mask is a motherfucker. i mean all the stars are motherfuckers but the duelists mask is like extra large motherfucker with motherfucker sprinkles imo. ran away from that ones attention on purpose tbh as soon as i realised it was like, uwu, whats this

you’ll find yourself. itll take a lot of whetstones and time. but your friends sound like they sharpen you too

anyways im sorry if i caused a problem by randomly being a dick to badri i’ll let the thread drop

shit

ill even fuckin apologise to him if you want me to

Hey. No. You don’t have to apologize. You can call him a … what’s a chode?

Anyway I just didn’t want him to know I had Complicate Feelings until I knew how to talk about my Complicated Feelings.

I’m going to stay off my tomestone for a bit and I have some more thoughts especially about constellations but I didn’t want to leave you feeling like you’d fucked anything up because you didn’t.

a donger

a tallywhacker

a one eyed yogurt slinger

a diiiiiiick

anyways his immediate reaction was to ask if i was one of your friends in a way that. sounded like he was glad you made a friend he didnt even know about

even if that friend steamed in calling him a chode

i can see why this guy irritated the piss out of you

and also why you love him tbh

anyway thank you, i appreciate it, im probably going to apologise to him anyway but it wont be because i feel like i gotta. goddessspeed i hope you get some rest or something

What constellation did you end up watched by? Sundered Wolf would be my guess, I think. You give “able to break unbreakable things but kind of fucked up about it” I think. Anyway yeah, I’m watched by the Duelist’s Mask. All Sword-Saints are. There’s a whole secret about it I’ll tell you if you ask.

Haha, Badri just being happy I have friends does seem … hm. When I went deep into the role … he missed me, I think? Who I was before. He was the only one who could really bring it out.

He’ll probably really like you if he gets to know you, but I don’t if he’s ever met someone he disliked.

close!!! soldier and brother baybeeee

unwinnable causes, sure, but im not desperate about it. and everything i break… is breakable… you can tell b/c i broke it!!!

I’m not … disappointed in who you turned out to be? If that was a concern. I’m grateful we got to meet.

Uh. I hope I wasn’t disappointing when we met. I’m glad you had fun. Can’t believe the friend you hated at first was Zaya.

im glad youre not!

you werent disappointing at all. that was amazing.

im sorry i got weird and stalked off at the end. ive got some shit i have to sort out in my own head.

It’s … okay? I think? I mean. I really wanted to talk to you? So I guess I was a little disappointed about that, but I think it would’ve been a little weird in front of the others, actually. Since we’ve told each other a fair amount? And I want them to get a chance to get to know you organically.

Or. Well.

So how much do you know about … Annarr and Aurelius and Jorule and that situation? Did you know I thought … you had hurt him (your pick of which aspect of him that is) and for a long time I really wanted to kill you for it? I mean, I know I couldn’t have probably, but I wanted to? But he explained it wasn’t … your fault. When we first got here, Zaya threw everyone for a loop by knowing Aurelius was someone completely new. Was that you?

Anyway, take your time. I’m glad the Rite was fun. I’m not … talented in the same way my companions are. But you see how they shine, right?

we’ll definitely make time to talk. i imagine you’re going to be here for a while? i hope so, anyways. there’s lots to see. i think you’ll enjoy yourself.

when i said i didnt read the logs i meant it. that said, the hairs on the back of my neck specifically dedicated to knowing when jorule is up to some bullshit have been standing on end for a while. needed to actually see aurelius with my eyes to be totally confident that what was actually happening was actually happening, though.

honestly most people who i like at this point started off wanting me dead so you’re in real good company. i tend to provoke that in people.

i was an idiot and ran my mouth and zaya is too clever and used to me for her own good, and got answers out of me about what was going on. thought it’d be easier for her to know what happened before she saw his body walking around with someone else inside it. gave her time to not be shocked by it. to think of aurelius as someone she could be friends with too. would do it again tbh

also dont give me that

wolf did me a favor

you were scary as hell

i know what you had in your back pocket and were about to cast on me

also you told me yourself that the sword-saint is a dueling master. i know youve got a loadout that you pull out for special occasions but that, with this group, you prefer to back them up and -make- them shine. but if you do that, their shining is also your shining. thats what being a clan means

thats why i like it here.

It’ll depend. We’ve been. Hm. How much have you actually figured out about what we’re trying to do, and why we’re here? Though maybe that is a question better answered with the whole group.

Wait are you telling me you have some weird-ass fucking Scorpion Sense for Jorule shenanigans in particular? Like is that a thing you have Developed? Is this like. A trauma response or …?

And I mean after the initial shock, I think … Aurelius and Zaya both expressed some degree of gratitude that it happened like that? I know it made things easier on Aurelius, and I think Zaya being able to meet him as he is and not who he felt he should have been was important. So I’m glad you’d do it again. That was the right choice.

I ALMOST CAST IT THAT FIRST TURN. I almost did. But when you hit me and called me babe I thought it was you and I felt conflicted about. I didn’t know. If it would reveal something you weren’t ready for me to know.

And then I was more sure it was you and I decided to cast it on you anyway so.

And I think “dueling master” is a significant stretch, but I agree about making other people shine.

I’m glad you like it here. I’ve liked it here too, thus far. You said you’ve had a lot of time. How long? Do you … hm. How far back in time do your memories stretch? How long have you been the Scorpion Queen?

And would you prefer I called you Jae or SQ or AG or what? I’d like to have a name for you but … I don’t know. You said Jae was fine, but I also wanted you to have that choice.

honestly? ive been trying pretty hard to let you guys do your own thing without paying super close attention to it. i know you’re here looking for V because if a bunch of weird cool motherfuckers show up from the other planes theyre gonna want to talk to the OTHER weird cool motherfuckers who showed up from the other planes. im just good at reading people and seeing where things are going

dont YOU have jorule sensing hairs on the back of your neck. i bet you do. if you dont youll grow them soon

i’m glad to know it made things easier on aurelius. i hoped it wouldn’t make what hes dealing with even harder. i was actually kinda worried? but not worried enough to not yap i guess so im glad it worked out.

honestly? i AM a little bit terrified of libra. there are things im not ready to talk about yet and i know how that rite-tone works here and what cosmic bullshit its resonating with. as you may have guessed not a lot of shit scares me but that spell scares me lol. do with THAT what you will. doesnt scare me enough that i’d turn down a rematch if you guys think you can beat me

also “jae” is fine. i’m not YOUR queen unless you swore fealty to me and you dont seem like the fealty swearing type and angelsGuignol is a stupid name for stupid bulletin board systems jorule hacks together with baling wire and a prayer. people might look at you like you’re insane if you refer to me that way though so have fun with that

Hm. I’ll put my serious stuff in a separate post and you can read it and respond to it or just ignore it. Sound fair?

Honestly Jorule’s … hm. Been going out of his way to be support, I think? He’s. Well. It’s very weird to love two aspects of a Spark at the same time in different ways, but never let it be said I don’t enjoy a challenge.

Do you feel guilty about Annarr? I don’t think you need to. Aurelius doesn’t think it was the Truth That Burns and he’d have thought about it enough to know. I’d encourage you to get to know him like I encouraged Zaya to, but man I’m not sure what your relationship with Annarr was like beforehand. Aurelius is. Amazing though. I am sorry you lost a (whatever). I can’t be sorry he exists, even if I want to respect Annarr’s memory.

As for Libra. Hm. I feel very strongly about casting it on my friends (that’s you) without their consent. I also want to know and I am not patient. I also think it might be information we need. What I can tell you is I won’t pressure you to talk about anything I learn until you’re ready?

Also Jae it is. And I’m not bothered if people look at me like I’m insane. I mean. Look at my life.

im not the one who yoinked annarr out of the world for whatever weird sick fucked up reason it happened. i gave him the order to go investigate weird shit that was happening and he’s not the first good hunter i sent to their death and im sure he wont be the last. it just happens sometimes. some part of him lives on pretty directly, thats more than most people get.

i feel angry. but not guilty

unless you mean when i beat him in our rite in which case i dont really feel guilty, it’s definitely what provoked me to come up with a better in case of emergency break glass option though. he was still mostly fine after that. i guess it just made him ultra susceptible to weird stupid horseshit. couldnt have known thatd happen

and, you’re exactly right. aurelius gets to exist now. and he seems rad as fuck.

as for libra…

i cant NOT encourage you to hit me with your best shot next time we’re in a rite. and if you dont do it, luĉja will. fuckers merciless. i guess i’d rather it be you

I’m glad you … hm. You’re carrying a lot of responsibility, aren’t you? [Heavy is the Crown], huh?

Incidentally, I, along with Wolf, had been sent on a mission to investigate what was going on with Almachadta when we were taken. Well. We knew what was happening. Almachadta was dying. Wolf heard it in the Worldsong. And I knew it was inevitable. We were going to … there are gates between the worlds. We were going to investigate that. To see if we could. I don’t know. Stop it? (I didn’t think we could stop it).

That’s when we were taken. I’d guess … Annarr got close to the gates? I’m guessing Luĉja did too. But that’s a guess.

Oh. You gave me the strength to talk to Badri. I’m still. Working through some of the things he said. I might toss them at you actually.

Also I said I want to talk but also I want to hang out. I’m not going to propose a Rite between you and me but think of something else you like and we’re doing it. Sound good, Jae?

Some wild swings about serious shit:

The Beast is dying. You know she is but you don’t know why. You’re not dying with it, or maybe you are and it terrifies you. You can’t do anything about it and it’s been chewing through you. That’s why you flipped when I talked about waiting for Almachadta to die.

We’re here to stop that if we can. To save them all: Almachadta, Samudra, The Beast. Valaïs and Mu, if the situation is the same.

You can do so much, but there’s something you can’t do and you hate it. You’ve been asked to bear so much, but you don’t have to bear it alone.

We’re friends, yeah? I’m here for you.

And if not me then please confide in Zaya. She loves you so much it awes me. Your lamp and your whetsone and your sounding board, yeah? Let her be those things and more.

want to help me bake some stupidly complicated braided loaf we make for special celebrations? “what are we celebrating” weird nerds showing up thats what.

i think you’re probably right, about annarr and luĉja getting near the gates. couldnt figure out exactly what happened myself. went out nosing around where they vanished, myself, against zaya’s better judgement, and nothing happened but there was a weird smell in the air. like stale ass but magic. stale magic ass. dont know what the deal was.

glad you could talk to badri. hope that goes well for you. if hes worth a damn he’ll be fine with you having big feels about what went down and if hes not then its better to find out fast.

if all goes well ill talk to you about this later. it feels shitty like im asking you to prove your worth. im not. but i cant…

i just cant talk about this with you yet. i hope you understand.

I understand. Was hoping maybe if I guessed right it might make it easier for you to talk about it, but I’m not trying to force it.

I am going to give you another hug next time I see you? So many fucking hugs.

Yes. Absolutely. Well I’ve never been good at baking bread (told you I over-knead) but I’m happy to help and maybe you could teach me? We also do have so many snacks from Almachadta and Samudra when you want them.

Stale ass magic … probably the Architect? I can share the memory with you if you want to confirm? (Do you want to know about all this shit? I’m not sure if … well. I’m inclined in a ‘share everything’ manner but let me know if there’s things you don’t want to know).

And yeah. Talking to Badri has been. Good. Great. Just wish I could hug him.

Anyway. If you ever want to hear about how long it’s taken me to believe that we might be able to save anything at all … I can tell you that too. Sometimes there’s days where I still feel hollow about it and it is a performance. Less days than days I believe, but still.

Not me trying to get more info out of you, but: “Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.” Those words are the first ones I remember from my favorite poem. They’re me, in a way.

whoever made this system without implementing proper threading was a goddamn criminal btw. lets see does THIS work?

no i said stale magic ass. totally different. i think you’re right, though. i dipped my toes into the library and he sounds absolutely like his magic smells like stale ass

SWEET you actually brought snacks. im so excited. the beast has amazing food but like. ya’ll will have things we never would have even thought of. also mostly i just need an extra pair of hands. jae, i hear you say, you already have an extra pair of hands! yes, i respond, it’s a very complicatedly braided loaf

i don’t think anyone on the beast, myself included, is ever gonna say no to a hug or a challenge. maybe sometimes but only if we’re feeling like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag in some way shape or form

as for the other questions…

i am, in fact, an incurable optimist. i think two things are true.

i think you six are going to beat me in a rite some day,

and i think that i will eventually tell you everything i know.

those two things arent connected btw im not some OTHER motherfucker you have to beat in a rite and then oop out of the piñata pops a horrible secret, wohoo, fun for everybody. theyre just both things i think are true.

I’m still not over the fact we don’t have fucking delete or edit functionality. I mucked up a great joke at Jorule and it didn’t land because of a typo. Though. What are you even typing on? Can you access this with your brain?

Hahaha! I stand corrected. “Stale magic ass.” Okay okay okay.

Well, then, you’re right, I’m not the type to pledge fealty but I am the type to pledge my hands to help you make a very fancy braided loaf.

Oh man I just realized the kind of hairstyles I could manage with four arms. You keep your hair short so maybe you don’t know but I spend so much time braiding my hair. Like half of the the muscle tone in my arms is from dealing with my hair, not all the handstands and backflips. Though I think I figured out something with gnosis to make it a bit easier (sorry I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you care about, but Samudra was a nightmare because it was so humid and the frizz almost defeated me).

And of course we brought snacks. We had already got a bunch of things from Samudra because we just came from there, but also Aury, Awa and I made a trip back to Almachadta just before arriving here and I picked up a bunch of things from there too. I’ll make you a fancy plate tasting plate. Maybe we can all do it together?

I don’t know how you feel about big group activities that aren’t the Rite, actually. You’re my friend but I guess it’s a bit different with the others? I don’t think it has to be, but I know you have history with Aury and Luĉja, and while you’ve met Awa, Archie, and Wolf you don’t know them. I think. Though. Hm.

I told you I’m bad at patience, and that means when I meet someone who I feel “yes, this is someone I’ve been waiting forever to know and love” I don’t feel the need to. Wait for it? I felt that with most of my friends early, and then with Caion, and Zaya, and … you especially, Jae. I want you to be part of … whatever weird nerdass clan we’re building. Part of our story.

I hope that’s not. It’s okay if you’re not interested, or ready to step into my messy, overfull home of weirdos. But I’ll hold a place for you until you are.

And I will hear your story, in your own words, one day. No matter how long it takes.

That is a promise.

the magic antennas strapped to my tits, obviously

your hair is amazing. every so often i get bored of having long hair or short hair and switch things up and, yeah, gotta say the extra arms do help with the whole damn process

i think its fair to say that i know wolf pretty well by now. wouldnt mind getting to talk to him with words instead of blades. i get the feeling he’s going to find something that speaks to him in the bazaar to replace the knives im keeping safe for him.

i can tell that they’re special to him. and i have a hunch. and hes cute. anyways.

i… thats really, really kind. and i dont want to repay that kindness rudely. for whatever it’s worth, i think hanging out with you guys and sharing a meal would be a blast. i thoroughly enjoyed fighting all of you, that was the most fun ive had in a while. if im still keeping my distance, its not because i dont think you’re rad as fuck

i have a reputation to uphold yknow

Man I can’t believe you talked about the magic antennas strapped to your tits. I cannot believe any of that. I asked you if you were passing info to the Scorpion Queen. I fucking. You’re such a shit.

I’ve considered cutting my hair now and then but Iikka loved braiding it, said it was beautiful, and like obviously the person who raises you is going to say you’re beautiful, but when. Er. I had a bad run with a couple attempts at dating in my early teens and started to feel like. Well. Even if I’m not particularly good-looking I always thought my hair was nice, yeah.

Hahaha yeah Wolf’s great. He’s the brother my heart chose. I’m sure you’ll love him if you talk.

Yeah stop saying you’re worried about being rude. I know you’re not trying to be rude. You’re trapped in the messy bitch mines and you don’t know how to get out. I’m there with you, even with all the progress I’ve made.

Though like. Fuck your reputation? That’s easy for me to say I guess. No one here knows me, and Light knows being on Almachadta is … different. But. Sometimes it feels like you’re making excuses you don’t even believe in. Jae, that sucks.

Though rereading this thread, I did realize you promised me a 1 on 1 duel when we met. Can I hold you to that?

tbh im not used to giving a shit about coming off as rude. it’s a novel sensation and im enjoying it

will openly admit i laughed pr. hard when this happened. it was great. i love being technically accurate its the best

i regret to inform you that you’re hot as fuck??? do we need to feed a motherfucker to a brontosaurus. im sure you saw some on the way in to town so you know im not bullshitting you about brontosaurus

id never bullshit you about brontosaurus

a thing you will learn about me is that i will never, ever say no to a duel, esp not with someone who fights dirty (laudatory)

when you know something is a terrible idea……..

and you do it anyway!!!!

besides itll be fun

OKAY as long as you’re enjoying it. But. I can handle rudeness. I mean. I might lose my shit and scream at you, but I did barrel through a whole lot of misunderstandings with Jorule to find his soft, gooey center. So.

ALSO I notice you are not confirming or denying the antenna tits.

Oh. Is that what those weird long-necked things were? They were huge.

Hm. As for my looks … wanna know some peak messy bitch mines stuff? When we first met Zaya and Aurelius just. Kind of shut down, I thought. This isn’t fair to him, okay, and I’m past it, but I thought … oh, here’s someone who actually deserves him. She’s beautiful. Her hair caught the starlight and she has this gorgeous magic I’ve never even seen and she lit the way home and she waited and was there for him. And I was like, “this is the kind of person he deserves; he just met me and I have none of the grace or the chill or the intelligence” and it’s just.

I know he likes me but I keep thinking he could do better. And like. A lot of the guys I knew when I was a teenager—they liked me well enough to fuck me but not date me, you know? The kind of girl that’s used, not the kind of girl that’s treasured. And like. Zaya seems like the kind of girl who gets treasured.

When we arrived on Samudra, Archie’s partner, Caion—he’d waited for Archie, had never given up on him. And I just. Zaya reminded me of that, but with Annarr, and … obviously I was really wrong about the shape of the relationship, right? Like it’s funny in retrospect and kind of shitty that I made it about me when Aury needed my support dealing with being Annarr and not, but. I don’t know.

You can’t feed any of these shitty teen dirtbags to a brontosaurus, though, because I don’t remember their names or their faces.

But. I don’t know. Thanks for saying I’m hot? I’ve never really seen it. Like Awa likes me, and Aurelius … I think I’m starting to trust that he thinks I’m physically attractive, but. I’m no Zaya. Or you, honestly.

Good. I made a deck just for you. Just say the word.

And. I remembered my isovanhempi’s name. It was Iikka. I was talking to Badri, and he—it was good, it was great, Jae, and I remembered. Thank you. I owe you a lot just for letting me be a messy bitch at you there. (I also remembered my biological parent’s names, but that’s less exciting, I think).

Hm. Question. I’ve been thinking a bit about … everyone has these Angel titles, right? Seye said she’s the Angel of Freedom, Jorule is the Angel of Darkness and Truth, I … well. I had a Weird Experience that I might tell you the story of next time you’re in the mood for it. Are you the Angel of anything?

And. Do you want me to ask them to stop calling you Crimson? I don’t know what your relationship with your previous lives were like, but. I want people to see you as you are now, not as you were.

in your defense, zaya is really, really distractingly hot and also pr. fuckin wonderful

however comma meaningful pause

theres no ‘kind of girl that’s used’. there’s men that use women. and women that also use women, and men who use men. and - i command people. here, elsewhere, anywhere i go. there’s people that want to be instruments. i’ll use them if they place themselves in my hand as a weapon. even if you wanted everything that actually happened, that doesnt mean you are, or ever were, a kind of girl that’s used

anyways, forgetting’s kinder than they deserve but probably the right play. if you ever need anyone fed to a brontosaur in the future though, call me

i guess what i want to say more than anything is

why would anyone want you to be someone else when you could be you, instead

as for the second question… it might not surprise you that people have called me the angel of hope, before.

and jorule can call me anything he wants to as long as it’s not ‘late to a duel’, we got history, it’s fine

but right now? flesh and blood and bone, in this world with its fire and clanging metal and howling beasts

i’m jae

But that’s always been the thing I think. That’s at least part of what that whole, long sad story was about. I’ve never felt like I was worth much at all. I’d rather be someone whose radiance immediately draws everyone in, who people can’t look away from when she walks in a room. Being the Sword-Saint gave me some of that. Learning to be useful gave me more. And I know I can perform impossible works of gnosis so. Yeah.

Again I’m working on. Feeling out how to express myself with my appearance that feels both good for me and draws the attention of the two people whose attention I most want to draw. And I trust, now, that they both do and would treasure me even if I can’t be 120% or even 80%, but.

It’s easy to shake that trust. Play a role so often you start wishing you could fully embody the role and not be yourself.

It’s. A problem. I know Aury and Awa both … fuck I know anyone would be devastated to hear me still saying this about myself. And I feel it less and less often, but I still feel it.

Did you ever struggle to like yourself or was that never a Jae failure mode?

Yeah? Is it because you’re hoarding all that hope Ms. I Am The Odds?

And good. I’m glad to know that. And I’m glad you’re Jae, not any of the other selves you could be. Seye said something about appreciating being alive right now, right here, and I’ve been trying to do it more. I love your world. On Samudra I felt like I was drowning but here I feel like I could do almost anything. I want to experience it all.

i do think i understand this.

i havent always been a very good person, i dont think. and i havent… changed who i am, deep down. who is. definitely NOT a person who has ever had that problem, no. kind of the opposite, really. to the point that the question is kinda funny to think about, but

being here and being jae has taught me some things

and some of those things havent felt particularly comfortable

i think, maybe, they were things i had to learn

anyways were still in the messy bitch mines salme!!! keep digging i believe in both of us

and i’m glad to hear you’re enjoying it here.

Yeah I’m learning it’s okay to want people to look at me now and then. Though … oh. I guess me whinging about how loud I am and my concern with warping the narrative fabric around me is. Sort of extra funny now.

Still if I don’t watch myself I can be self-absorbed and I never want to not be someone Aury or Awa or the others can’t rely on because I’m being self-absorbed.

eh i wouldnt call it funny

someone told you, hey salme, theres a rule that you’ve gotta be small and you’ve gotta be quiet

and you said, but i don’t want to be small and i dont want to be quiet

and they said, sorry, that’s the rules

anyways heres the secret. there are no rules

not like that, anyways

never were any

Less that I was told there were rules and more I figured out that. Being small and quiet was easier and safer and got you farther. And then being the Sword-Saint let me flashy and loud but not in a way where people saw me?

What I’m getting at is it was all self-inflicted.

And being able to be what people need in a moment of crisis is a skill and I’m not sad it’s one I have. But.

Knowing people love me despite my messiness, maybe even because of it?

That’s. Kind of everything, isn’t it? That’s what you were saying all along.